Thursday, April 19, 2012

Spring with Marjorie.


The breeze is refreshing as it curls it's fingers through my hair and lets loose it's breath upon my neck. The sun is warm and invigorating against my face and I'm surprised to discover I missed it during the long winter months. I close my eyes and toss my head backwards and let all the scents of spring blanket me with soothing recollections. Gossamer thin the laughter from my children, who play free and uninhibited in the yard, teases a long lost memory from a past that is bittersweet.

I think I must be eight years old. My grandmother's hand wrapped tightly around my own is as smooth and soft as a petal from a rose. She speaks with a slight English accent and points out all the beauty in the world as we slowly travel the paths in Beacon Hill Park. She hands me a few bread crusts and I tear them up for the ducks. I'm in awe of every wonder she brings to my attention, and without my consent I fall head over heals for Spring.

This day is ours and ours alone, a rarity shared together but tinged with the slightest hint of guilt because fairness seeks to even the odds...my brothers, you see, love her just as much as I...

She states without hesitation, however, that I'm special - the first born grandchild - and what I hear is love. Love that's deep and unconditional - something I craved desperately. Time with her was never enough, it was always too short and I cried every time I had to leave her. She created 16 years of memories with me...if only the last ones hadn't been so hard...

In a moment of despair, when her lovely existence had been in winter too long, she left me. Her life and all the beauty in it was murdered by her own hand - a bottle of empty pills found by her bedside - a note that asked for a reprieve from this place... words that demanded something better...something more. My confusion knew no bounds. The world she'd shown me as a little girl was too exquisite for such ugliness.

Spring lost its appeal...

I was angry at her for a long time. Angry that she could take herself away from me, angry that she would never see the person I'd become, angry that my children would not experience the soft touch of her hand as it grasped theirs... Time passed quickly and she faded into the background of memories I dare not touch. I did not ache for her, I did not long for her, I refused to remember her. She was lost.

When my son shattered my thoughts and asked me what I was doing - my body reclined upon the back deck, my mind a swirl in the past - I answered, "creating happy memories I hope". I joined them in the yard where airplane spins and dizzy laughter married with the scents of fresh cut grass and the slightest hint of rain. And like a flower sprouting from the thaw spring was mine again.

I was pleased to discover that she had come back to me... floating on a breeze that curled its fingers within my hair and let loose it's breath upon my neck...and while I recalled the moments I should have never forgotten, I did my best to create new moments my children would always remember.





read to be read at yeahwrite.me

29 comments:

Stephanie said...

I am so, so sorry for your loss. That must have been so indescribably difficult to come to terms with.

carrie said...

It was difficult. I still loved her but I was angry with her. It's a weird place to be. Thanks for the kind words :)

Gia said...

Aww, so sad and hard for a child to deal with.

IASoupMama said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. It is so hard to love someone who has done something to hurt you so much...

christina said...

oh man, i'm so sorry for your loss- and for the way it happened. i can't even begin to imagine how difficult that was to deal with. so glad you've found a way back to enjoying Spring again.

carrie said...

@Gia-It was hard to let her go. I remember standing beside her hospital bed, holding her hand, and not knowing how to talk to her. I miss her.

@IASoupMama-You are right. It was hard for a while, now I have come to a place where I don't feel angry remembering and loving her.

@Christina- Me too! Spring is such a beautiful time of year. My kids showed me that!

Michelle Longo said...

Beautiful post, so sad. I'm sorry you went through that.

carrie said...

@Michelle-It sucked but I have forgiven her. She must have been in a lot of pain. I just wish she could have found a way through it.

Joe said...

I am so sorry for your loss, but I am happy that you allowed the good memories of her to displace the sorry of her final act.

carrie said...

@Joe-Im happy for that too! :)

Kenja Purkey said...

Wow. What a contradiction. Her showing you so much beauty in the world while being so unhappy in it.

Beautiful story. So sorry for your loss.

Dawn Beronilla said...

Oh my, this brought tears to my eyes.
They try so hard to make the world seem beautiful for us... and that must have confused you more.
I am so sorry for your loss, and sorry that she felt the need to end things that way, but I am glad that you are more at peace with it.

I can't even imagine.

carrie said...

@Kenja-it is amazing how, as adults, we can live so dichotomously.

@Dawn-I think she found beauty in teaching me and thus could hide her depression a little better. I miss her though. She was awesome.

doseofreality said...

So amazingly well-written. You captured all of it right here. Well done. I am so sorry, as I am sure that she wishes she could have stayed for you, too.

Christie said...

What complex emotions for a young woman to go through. I'm sorry for your loss. I hope that you are finding peace.

carrie said...

@DoseofReality-THanks so much for the lovely compliments and the retweet on Twitter. I think sometimes - maybe - she might be looking down on me! I hope so.

@Christie- Thank you! :)And it was hard. I grew up Catholic so it was a bit difficult to digest, but Ive become agnostic and no longer worry about her after life...

Michelle Icard said...

You were brave to share this. It's an inspiration for all of us to be more honest about our emotions. Thanks!

momfog.com said...

A heartbreaking story but you told it beautifully. I'm happy you're making peace with the situation.

Delilah Love said...

I am so very sorry for your loss. I hope she was able to find peace and I hope that you do too.

carrie said...

@Michelle-You are very right. When you are feeling like this it is best to reach out and get help.

@momfog-thank you!

@Delilah- I have and although I obviously cant speak for my grandma - I think she has too.

Dude of The House said...

That's a real tragedy. I'm sorry for your loss.

carrie said...

Me too. I'm sorry she felt she had no other option.

christie tate said...

Awww, so sad. I loved my grandmothers and they must have known pain that I never knew or saw. Sorry for your loss.

Melisa @ just begin from here said...

Very touching story. Thank you for sharing it with us.

carrie said...

@christie- yes I think their generation saw more than we could ever imagine.

@Melisa-thanks for stopping by!

Robbie K said...

I'm so sorry for your loss and I understand your anger and confusion.

carrie said...

@Robbie- thanks so much hun!

Tara Pohlkotte said...

this being human business is hard work you know? love even harder. you spoke her so beautifully right here. even though the pain is heavy, your words speak light. xo

carrie said...

@Tara- Thanks for the lovely compliment. Gosh even in your comments your words sound so pretty! :)