Saturday, April 7, 2012

Five things you may not have known about toddlers...Well, at least MY toddlers.

Before I had kids I knew that I would face an uphill battle with certain things. I would lose sleep. Breast feeding would be difficult. I would have little time to myself. And discipline would be the hardest thing to learn how to do. All of these things were true. Truer than I could have imagined back then... But there are a few things I could not have prepared myself for. I'm going to stick to a short list because I know peoples attention spans are horrendous now-a-days...what was I saying? Just kidding. Onwards!

1. Kids have no sense of tact.
-I have a four year old who likes to tell friends, family and strangers alike everything about our lives. I have to be really careful about what I say and do around him for fear it will be repeated or acted out in some horrifically traumatic, embarrassing nightmare. Like the time we were at the bank and my son had a candid conversation with the clerk about my hemorrhoids. My knee jerk reaction was to cover his mouth with my hand all the while looking non-chalant and totally cool. But this could be misconstrued as child abuse so instead I turned beat red and got the eff out of there.

2. Kids have no idea that words can sting.
-My eldest children - the ones capable of full sentences - have begun to notice and verbalize things that I wish they wouldn't. So far their unfortunate comments have only been directed towards their father and I, but I know that one day they will make some stranger feel like total crap too; until that fateful day I seem to be the prime target. I came downstairs a few months back without makeup ( I had recently stopped breastfeeding and an imbalance in hormones caused some acne) when my oldest son looks up at me startled and asks, "Mom, what happened to your face?!"
Thanks. That didn't sting at all...

3. Kids are disgusting.
- After becoming a parent I anticipated having to clean up poopy diapers and wiping runny noses, I also assumed I'd have to clean up vomit and various potty accidents. I did not anticipate the toddler poop fetish. My daughter is no longer allowed to use the toilet by herself because once too often I have found her handling her own feces like it were some new artistic tool! Also, why do kids eat their own boogers? Furthermore, why do my kids feed each other their gross nose nuggets! Is it all kids who are this gross or just my own? I sincerely hope I am not the only parent suffering through such gag inducing disgustingness and I quite selfishly wish this on every parent in the world today. Take that "perfect" parents.

4. Kids have no sense of modesty.
- My kids hang around my house sans clothes much too much. I understand that being naked has it's perks, but must they be naked so often that it seems as though they don't own clothes at all? It is a constant battle to get clothes on them and to keep clothes on them. I swear most of my day is comprised of demanding, requesting, and bribing them into putting their pants back on.

5. There is no nice way to say play with themselves...a lot.
-Since we all now know that kids prefer to be naked (mine at least) it is now essential to know that they will touch themselves constantly. Most times they have no idea they are even doing it. My son is now an expert at penis puppetry and I've become an expert at saying "Can you please put some clothes on". When does this stage end? Never you say. Probably, but at some point they will be embarrassed to do it in front of me, and I will cherish that day, I will rejoice in it!

Now that I've thoroughly terrified any expectant parents out there don't worry, I assume all these stages end eventually. Please God, hear my prayer.
Mmmm Messy

Playing with my lipstick...and yes, she's a nudie!


Stephanie said...

Ha! Thanks for the warning. ;) Kids don't get tact for many more years. Trust me, even fourth graders tell their teachers EVERYTHING their parents say.

carrie said...