Monday, September 28, 2009

Probable Cleft Lip

My brother Jared and sister in law Mandy had another ultrasound today to confirm and investigate the severity of their babies cleft lip.

There isn't one. The tech was wrong!

Joy, Relief, Love.

The Terminator: [John starts to cry] "What's wrong with your eyes"?

happy :)

Love you Aidenator.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Fate, God, Reincarnation. I believe it all.

Today I was thinking about my life and all the things that needed to occur in exact order for me to be where I am now. There was so many decisions, good and bad that has led me to where I am today. It has got to be fate, right? Truthfully, I used to hate the idea of fate. When I was younger the thought that my life experiences were already predestined really bothered me. I hated the thought of not being in control of my own actions. I was such an avid believer in heaven that the very idea of someone believing in something different seemed ridiculous to me. But as I got older I became more critical, started asking more questions, and decided I needed to do a little research before stating what I believed in as cold, hard fact.

I have always been such an avid reader and figured that the answer had to be in a book somewhere ;) I was a little naive as a girl. In any case, my quest to figure out how life worked spiritually speaking (I'm not a physicist like my brother) has brought me upon a lot of different ideas. Some people believe in God, the Bible, Jesus Christ, but the idea that God was all knowing and loving one minute and was a plague causing, world flooding, son sacrificing psychopath the next, never really rang true with me.

Some people believe in reincarnation and karma and if you do well in this life you can move up in the next. Move from a bug to bird, a bird to a cat, well you get the point. But this never really rang true for me either. I guess I'm too self centered to ever believe I lived life as a bug. And I mean come on, bugs are near perfect organisms, would I really be moving up in the world by becoming human?

Other people believe in the idea of Fate. That everything we see, feel, and experience, we were meant to see, feel, and experience. Fate suggests that we all play some intricate roll in our universe and we really don't have any choice in what that roll is, whether it be the hero, victim, marter, killer, etc.

And of course there's those who believe in nothing at all. That this life is all we get, we eventually die and if we live on at all, its as matter.

Now i don't believe in any one of these ideas wholeheartedly but I like to think Ive taken a little from each. I have a hodge podge of ideas about how my world, and possible afterlife works. So here it is. I believe that there is a God, that he is all knowing and that he has come to be this way because he is willing to learn, through us, his smaller working parts. Thus we are all pieces of a bigger whole, and are all interconnected, or as Jesus would put it "do unto others as you would have done unto you" because, literally, we are all one, I am you, you are me, and thus karma is instantaneous.

I think that the afterlife is not the answer we all search for but another step in the process of understanding ourselves. I believe that we do crossover (I've seen and experienced way too many spooky things not to believe in an afterlife) and that on the other side we are happy and content and perfect. So how are our souls to grow if there is no conflict to speak of? Well this is where the idea of reincarnation comes in. We reincarnate back on earth in order to experience new things through conflicts, and challenges. However, before we reincarnate we decide what kind of things we would like to learn more about. We make ourselves a lesson plan so to speak. For example, on the other side, a soul may decide it wants to learn more about patience and so reincarnates as a Duggar and has 18 children and counting. Creating a specific lesson plan can make it seem as though life is fated to happen in a certain fashion. Finally, when a persons soul decides they have learned all that they could from different lifetimes they eventually become part of God again, a part of a bigger whole, matter if you will.

So those are my ideas (right or wrong) about life, death, and life again. Like I said its a hodge podge of ideas, but I think its better to have your own ideas than to live and die by someone elses.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Side Note

Last night I was washing dishes when Gabe came up to me and started to hug my leg. I looked down at him and decided (with my new mommy attitude) that any time with him is precious and that chores can wait a little while. So I dove to the ground, did an army roll behind the kitchen island while yelling "bad guy" ( a game i made up where we play hide and seek, hiding from pretend seekers named 'bad guys') he laughed and ran to me, jumped on my lap and shushed me while peering around the island pointing out the window and speaking words I have yet to understand. "Its okay baby, we can make it to the red couch" our imaginary safe zone. He said "yesh" and gripped me tight I started to get up so we could crawl as fast as possible to the red couch when I noticed he wasn't letting me go. "Whats up huggy boy?" I asked. He just hugged me tighter with a small giggle. Well I wasn't about to fight a hug so I hugged him back. He snuggled deeper into my lap and rested his head on my chest while quietly chattering away to me, speaking about his day, or how he missed me and was glad Eden was sleeping? (God I wish I knew toddler language.) His chattering soon subsided and his breathing became deep that's when I noticed he had fallen asleep on me. There we were sitting behind the kitchen cabinets my butt and legs cramped from the cold hard tiles of the kitchen floor but more content then I've been in a while. It's amazing how children have a tendency to thank you for your efforts without ever needing to say the words. These kids are my world and gosh does my world rock.

Pearly Whites.

Every morning my kids and I get up and I put on a pot of coffee because god know I cant function without it. I pick up Gabe and ask him what he wants for breakfast; toast or cereal, its the big decision in the morning. He chatters away in a non sensical language I have yet to learn while pointing at one or the other. I put him in his high chair where he either enjoys jam on toast, Rice Krispies or Mini Wheats and usually he gets half a banana or whatever fruit we have on hand. Now don't get me wrong there are days I make pancakes, french toast, or eggs and bacon, but they are few and far between, I'm such a creature of habit.

While he eats I enjoy my coffee and usually within 10 minutes Eden decides its time for her breakfast. Her choices are rather limited, right breast or left breast? After Eden's done, and my cup of coffee usually has gotten 10 degrees cooler, it's time to brush Gabriel's teeth. Now this is the hard part of the morning because in all my life I have never met a child who hates the tooth brush as much as Gabe, and the bigger hes gotten the harder it is for me to get his teeth brushed. When he was younger and could put up little fight I could have his teeth brushed in a minute or two. In and out as fast as possible because even in the early days I could tell he hated the tooth brush. Now all I have to do is walk up to him with the tooth brush and the tantrum begins. Hitting, biting, slapping the tooth brush from my hand, refusing to open his mouth, biting down so I can't move it back and forth, the list of tools he has in his arsenal to avoid getting the plaque brushed off his teeth are endless. It was getting to the point where my only offence was a head lock.

To avoid head locks and the potential creation of claustrophobia I had to come up with some other way to clean those pearly whites. So I have decided to enact the most basic and awesome weapon in my arsenal. My stubbornness. Now every morning I give him a choice, let mommy brush your teeth, or sit in your high chair. I have to give him credit, hes stubborn as I am. But I have also discovered one more basic weapon I may deploy if need be. His want to be independent. So I gave him an extra tooth brush one morning and he let me brush his teeth to a point. He could still hit with one hand. SO I gave him another tooth brush. There we are, me holding one tooth brush, him holding two, both of us brushing his teeth. We may look bizarre, but it gets the job done. I have conquered the tooth brushing issue but I still have to admit that my favorite meal of the day is lunch where no teeth brushing is required.

Friday, September 18, 2009


The past week has seen a significant improvement in my patience. All it took was a little effort and now the household seems much more relaxed. Gabe has started to behave better thanks to the time I get to spend with him now that Edie is feeling better, and not being so colicky. Laughter is once more becoming the norm rather than angry frustration and the difference is quite noticeable. My next new attempt at wholesome motherhood ;) is to stop swearing. So Flying Flamingo has replaced the F word and Gosh Dang it has replaced goddamn it. So now I can say with confidence that if my children learn a swear, it did not come from me! In all the world there is not one person who could ever make me want to change; the only exception to this rule are my kids. There's nothing I wont do for them, even admit when I'm wrong (not an easy feat for a stubborn Taurus). I also feel renewed faith in myself. Having two kids under the age of two was a big change and I did not handle it as well as I should have. But now I'm getting back to the root of who I was before the stress of pregnancy and of having another child changed me. I've reconnected with the maternal side of me and it feels great. I know Gabe is also happier with the new me...old me...the mother he knew before I let the stress of life wear at me. I once heard a quote that to "kill for your child, or to die for your child was the easiest thing in the world, but to live for your that's hard". And Gosh Dang it, I'm going to do it. I'm going to live the best possible life so that my kids always know that family is where true happiness lies. It's not about money or prestige, about your job or the car you drive, life is about love and laughter. And if you want to love in a way you never knew was possible and laugh the most sincere laugh you'll ever experience then have a child.

I cant wait for my siblings to experience this simple truth. Recently my brother Jared and his girlfriend Mandy got pregnant. She is now 19 weeks along and they had their 18 week diagnostic ultrasound a few days ago. It was discovered that their baby boy has a cleft lip. Its not yet known if the cleft lip is severe, or if there is also a cleft palate, but needless to say they didn't take the news well. Of course they are scared for the surgeries to come, and are afraid of what their child will suffer physically and emotionally. I've listened as best I could, and tried to explain, especially to Mandy that there isn't one genetic anomaly in the world that could affect how they view their baby. That the love they will have for that little guy will overshadow any worries they have about what others think. She's terrified that she will feel ashamed to show him off. She does not yet realize that the shame she may feel will be for those who don't know how precious a thing it is to have a child. A baby is the greatest miracle, and most awesome gift any person could receive. Anyone who tries to wreck that through misguided and unfortunate judgements are the ones who she will feel ashamed to know. I for one cant wait to look in that little ones face, tell him I love him, and inform him of how very beautiful he is.

Thursday, September 10, 2009


Tonight Eden slept through the night, so I got a full 8 hours sleep. I'm hoping with my new found energy I can be more patient with my son. I've turned into a yelling mommy and I never ever wanted to become that type of parent. I need to find patience for his antics and stop with all the BS I've been flinging out. I don't want my kids mirroring my reactions to stressful situations. I want them to be able to properly cope with anything that they encounter in life. In order for this wish to come true I need to start coping properly myself. I know Gabe is just jealous and rambunctious. We don't go out near as much as we used to and so hes not getting his energy burned off as effectively. His behaviour has gotten out of hand, and so has my own. I think in a way we are both venting on whoever is in range. Gabe is so much like me its scary.

I've decided in order to relax I need some time to myself. I told Scott that I need to get out of the house a few times a week, even if its just an hour out of the day. Truthfully I'm getting a bit of cabin fever. So I'm going to take advantage of my hubby being home 3 days out of the week and go out and do something. Scott's more than capable of taking care of two kids for an hour, so I need to let him. I also think taking Gabe out more often with it just being the two of us is necessary. We need to connect again and I think this would be the perfect way to do so.

Well that's that. I'm calling myself out. I'm owning up. It's time I start finding better ways to deal with Gabe then yelling at him. Time outs galore, here we come, for both of us if need be. I refuse to become like my father. A little patience is all I need to turn this boat around, and somehow, someway, I will find it, beginning today.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Destroying Innocence to Preserve it?

Today was Edens two month shots. I hate shots. I hate them because they hurt and because in my mind, as I hold my child down, in some way I'm betraying their trust in me. I know I'm doing it to protect them, but I can't help but feel angry about having to do so. Every time the nurse stuck a new needle in Eden and her beautiful, blue, little trusting eyes looked up at me, and I saw the pain in them, I wanted to cry while simultaneously punching the nurse in the face. I held back both of these knee jerk reactions so as to not terrify my children, but now that Eden has developed a fever from the shots a part of me wishes I had punched the nurse.

While waiting for Eden to receive her shots we were in the waiting room and Gabriel as always made fast friends with everyone. He is the kinda of kid who doesn't have a shy bone in his body and likes most people. He was truly enamored by one little girl named Charlie and was trying to hug and kiss her the whole time they played together. But that wasn't the only person he hugged, he also ran up to the girls mother and wanted to be held and cuddled, and he hugged the girls grandfather, and wanted up on the girls grandmother's lap. The grandmother thought he was adorable but in no uncertain terms told me how I should not allow him to be so friendly with strangers because he'll be snatched one day. Then went on to berate her husband and daughter every time they interacted with Gabriel.

Now I can see the old bitc..bittys point. But how do I teach a 17 month old to fear strangers when i can barely teach him to not touch the stove? And I guess what I'm really struggling with is whether or not I should. He and I spend all our time together and its not like I let him wander the neighbourhood. I keep a close eye on him because he is still a toddler and needs supervision. So at this age should I be trying to scare the crap out of him and enact the stranger danger code? I mean the only words he can even say at this point are mom, dad, and yes. Should I be trying to add kidnap, molest, and murder to these? Should I be teaching him about bad guys, bad touching, essentially the big, bad world? Should I snatch his naivety away from him already?

When, as a parent, should I be destroying his innocence in order to preserve it? When should I teach him that there is true evil in the world, and that trust should be earned?