Thursday, April 26, 2012

I want to capture it all.

I sit at the kitchen table listening to a terrible racket. My kids have pulled out every cake pan I have and are currently pounding the living crap out of them with whatever utensil they can find. My ears scream in pain and the headache I'm sporting is not being helped by their "music". But I don't have have the heart to stop their play. I want them to have these memories. I want them to know that although I don't abide any violence, and time outs are a commonality in our house - so is being a kid.

I wish I could capture it all and the passing of time would never erode the edges of memory. Every new thing they learn, every thought  and experience somehow always accessible to me and to them.  In this day in age with cell phone cameras and digital wonders and the art of online journaling this is closer to being possible than ever before. Still, I feel its woefully inadequate to describe the wonders that are my children.

I wish I could capture it all.

 The smell of Gabe's blanket, or the way Edie's hair curls after a bath, or Preston's mischievous personality punctuated often with screams of satisfaction and giggles of delight. Every nuance, every look, every eager and explosive shout when they receive something unexpected - recorded. Every moral, and snippet of character, every added piece of personality...all of it is a testament to their independence and a honest mirror, held up boldly to me, of my parenthood. And even in the moments where I have failed miserably, where a bad day has turned worse and I struggle not to scream until im hoarse, even in the moments where shame fills me up and I can't look them in the eye...

I wish  I could capture it all.

Because it is my life and my lesson and they change me. I appreciate more. I recognize that I can do better, and be better. I see in them the potential that lives in me...Gabe walks on his tiptoes as though always looking for something just out of reach - a challenge to keep him occupied. Edie loves to draw and color and can do so for hours at a time - the test of a true artist. Preston loves without condition - our new dog can testify to this. They are unique, individual, and a true reflection of my successes and failures as a parent. I'm far from perfect, just a mother trying to get through a day that sometimes seems too long, or too hard, or too exhausting. Sometimes I'm just so caught up in my own worries, so obsessed with a bill that's due, or a breast tumour that's concerning, or a husband whose acting moody that I forget the miracles that make up their person hood.

and so...I wish I could capture it all.

And I wish I could somehow capture my love for them. I would stick it in a box and wrap it with pretty paper and giant bows, and every day they would open it and know what I wish - what I envision...They would see and understand that I want moments...and time - so much time to be the mother they deserve. I want to always crush them to my breast and run my fingers through their hair. I want to dance with them in the kitchen, and play hide and seek in a living room with only two hiding spots. I want to soothe every hurt and whisper "it's okay". I want to spend countless mornings getting up too early, and countless nights going to bed too late. I want family vacations, and happy holidays, and many many birthdays.

I just want what every parents wants...

I want to capture it all.

An intense discussion about the merits of sugared cereal


Lynnjefferson said...

The moment when your children make you proud of the grown ups they have become. You wish you could capture it all...


Renn said...

That was a beautiful post. It captures the essence of being a parent. I wish you many many captured moments! ;-)

carrie said...

aww thanks guys! :) Me too!! Tomorrow I will know the answer to my boob questions!