Friday, March 25, 2011

The wheel turns

My life has been through it's up and downs. I come from an interesting background. A brain injured father with a short fuse. A mother who lost custody due to some unfortunate circumstances. A bitter divorce between my parents, a disturbingly brutal custody battle that I, as a child, got caught in the middle of. I have, in the past, turned inwards...afraid of the world. I was privy to some of the uglier parts of life being spewed by those I love and trusted the most, and it made me self conscious and scared. Don't get me wrong I love my parents dearly, but they were young and made plenty of mistakes...those achingly, normal humans. But I tried to reconcile the tough parts of my life with the idea of fate. The idea that all I had endured was for a reason. So I trudged through and I got on with life, sorta.

I made plenty of mistakes too - this flawed girl - especially with the losers I dated, with the friends I ignored, with the anxiety I let consume me so readily. But my world changed truly, and completely when I met Scott. When I say he is the love of my life it is such an understatement as to be almost laughable. Scott saved me. His calm, sweet nature. His patience and support. He showed me that we are only as flawed as we allow. Only broken if we don't take to mending ourselves. He taught me that life can't be ignored or run from just because you are afraid. Take the good with the bad, and all that.

Let me tell you that it's inevitable...the bad. Your Wheel of Fortune that goes round and round and ticks off your next adventure will eventually land on bankrupt. Fate slaps you down when you least expect it, my friend. But I've discovered that there are warnings, strange eerie warnings that preclude these occurrences. The first major obstacle Scott and I had to endure as a couple was Gabriel's prematurity. A week before my water broke I wrote in Gabriel's baby book.

            March 5, 08 (33 weeks old)

There is seven weeks left until your due date. Your daddy and I can't wait to see you. We are so excited and just want you to come home! We know you still have some growing to do and so we are waiting...impatiently...but we just can't wait until we can hold you in our arms!

A warning of things to come, or just a mother's over eagerness to have her baby home? Did I suspect something unconsciously? I brushed it off as just a weird coincidence.

A few happy years later I became pregnant with Preston. After giving birth to Edie I had become an avid mom blogger. I enjoyed keeping a journal for my kids, and I enjoyed reading other women's journeys. One day while blog surfing I came across a heartbreaking story about a woman whose child had essentially died while breastfeeding. They rushed the baby to the hospital only later to pronounce the baby dead and declare it was caused by something called a congenital heart defect. Because I was pregnant and crazy hormonal, by the end of her story I was balling. Scott asked what was wrong and I told him. "I'm so glad all our children are healthy, I would hate to have a child born with a congenital heart defect"...

Fate made sure I ate those words...

So now the wheel turns again, and when and where I step off next I don't know. I just hope it's less intense then this last go around.

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