Thursday, March 31, 2011
I know it's only been a few short months since the last time we spoke. I begged you to change course, to make Preston healthy. By all accounts you granted my reprieve, but there is one small addendum to my last petition which I need to make clear. Preston is gaining weight, the holes in his heart are growing over, and yet his need for surgery may still be present. It rests on whether or not the left over holes are enough to cause irritation, inflammation, and possible endocarditis in my sweet, little boy. So my addendum is simply this...no surgery.
I cannot have my child opened up. I cannot have a strangers hands on my sons heart. I cannot have his heart stopped and to live eight uncertain hours, and countless days hoping my son will be alright. Don't get me wrong, dear Fates, I will if I have to. If it's your wish...your decision...to put me through weeks of torture then I will count down the hours until my son's surgery date. I will hold my sons hand and kiss him goodbye as they wheel him into surgery. I will wait and beg the minutes to pass quicker. I will walk into his room and take it all in, the tubes attached to his body, the machines beeping, the nurses and doctors monitoring his progress. I will spend sleepless nights watching my son's chest slowly rise and fall. I will cry, and pray, and strain my eyes while staring uncertainly into the future. I will do what I have to do.
May 4, 2011 is my son's next cardiology appointment. Please grant me this one last request...I humbly beseech your cooperation in ensuring that my son will not need surgery. And if my life is too awesome, if it shines too bright and I need a lesson in humility...then let me switch places with my son. It's an easy switch you see, because I have a congenital heart defect too. One little twist from you and roles could be reversed, if you so wish. But no matter what you choose, it is my heart in your hands. I beg you...do not break it.