I'm about to be 27! The clock is ticking down, and Im not sure how I want from high school graduate to mom of 2 (and a bit) in little under 10 years. I still have moments where Im propelled back in time, and I look at my life for a few minutes through the eyes of that 18 year old and think...how in the hell did this happen?
I remember being a self centered (not at all aware of it), immature (not at all aware of it), brat (kind of aware of it). I wouldnt say I was bad, or cruel, or even a bitch, I was just..well...a kid. I thought I knew it all. I thought I understood the world, and how it worked, and thought I knew all there was to know about anything that truly mattered. Boy did I have my head up my ass.
No longer does school and grades rule my life (which is sooo nice!) I no longer feel the need to get wasted, hang out with guys who are all wrong for me, or worry about my make up and hair being done just right. My worries have evolved. My worries are now about my husband, about my house, and about my mother in law. Some of me is still immature in the regard that I let others peoples judgements bother me, but at least im self aware enough to realize that now. And of course my biggest worry is about my kids. I worry about their safety with strangers and people I know. I worry about them starting school and how grades dont always reflect a child's true potential. I worry that when they get older they'll feel the need to get wasted, hang out with the wrong crowd, or be so self critical that they wont leave the house without looking just right. I worry about them believing they know it all when in reality they know very little of the world. I worry about them being like me. But at least I know that in time, if their lucky, they'll learn how to self reflect, how to apologize and mean it, and how to say..damn I screwed up and I'll do better next time.
I want the world for my kids, but I want them to earn it, so they'll get to hold that prize in their hands and feel pride. I want them to know, that no matter where you end up in life, its the journey along the way that will define you and make you better..if you let it.
So 27 years old. With 2 kids (and a bit), and a life that im proud of for the mere fact that I earned it, that I lived and learned it.
SO happy birthday me. Its going to be a good one.