Rough!

I had a horrible nights sleep last night! I was tossing and turning and couldn't seem to find a comfortable position. Then at quarter after four Gabe woke up and wouldn't go back to sleep! But that was the least of my worries. I found myself in excruciating abdominal pain to the point where I was throwing up. I phoned Scott at work and told him I thought I was miscarrying and he drove 160 kms an hour home to find me in the bath doubled over in pain. He had just worked all night and I had finally found some place where I was somewhat comfortable so I told him to put Edie to sleep and to nap himself in case he needed to take me to the hospital. He grabbed a bottle for Edie and they slept in our bed while Gabe watched Toy Story and I dozed in my bath water. After an hour the pain gradually lessened to the point where I could move and not barf and that's when I realized I could smell diaper cream and could hear Gabe spitting. Suddenly I flashed back in my memory and realized that Gabe was watching the movie at our computer desk...and I had put a brand new jar of sudocream on it the night before for safe keeping away from him... As I'm getting out of the tub I'm praying its not bad. The minute I spot him I see that it's worse than bad. He glances up at me while smiling and handing me the diaper cream. He looks like a deranged clown. He has white cream over half his face, all over his arms, hands, legs, and feet, It's also all over my computer chair, and carpet.

"Gabriel...no...no...no...why...WHY"? At hearing this Scot wakes up and asks whats wrong, and if I'm alright. Then he takes one look at Gabe and groans. I grab Gabe, strip him and throw him into my bath. I soon learn that removing diaper cream...especially stuff so caked on to the point where no skin can be seen...is a pain in the ass. I'm pretty sure he'll be water resistant from now until the end of time.

At about 1 pm the pain hasn't left me, only lessened so I decide that it's a good time to head to the ER. After waiting FOREVER I get an ultrasound and they determine it's not an ectopic pregnancy, that I'm not miscarrying, and that the "differential diagnosis at this time is Appendicitis". Then they sent me home. If the pain gets worse I'm supposed to head back in as soon as possible. At this point I'm of the belief that most, if not all, doctors in my town are complete morons, and I probably have a severe bladder infection. I guess I'll have to wait for my appointment on Friday to get assessed by my doctor, but since I'm prone to them, that's my "differential diagnosis".

Man oh man...Today was the epitome of frustrating mommy moments which was dispersed between moments of acute pain and anxiety. I tried my best to think clinically, coldly and dared not breathe out loud the wish I held deep in my heart; that the little one inside me, would create more of these hugely irritating, completely frustrating, little minutes in time...And when I saw him/her on ultrasound today...my heart sang and I nearly cried with relief, and that wish I dared not wish, for fear of disappointment...it actually came true.

This, that and everything.

On Friday I have my first prenatal appointment and I'm going to make sure I get all the necessary blood tests because I think I must be iron deficient like my friend Jess mentioned, either that or I'm carrying twins! No. I shouldn't even say that. I don't want to jinx myself. I can't wait to hear the baby's heartbeat though. That's the best part, other than seeing the little one on the ultrasound. Scott and I have decided that since this is our last baby we don't want to know the sex. We want it to be a surprise. Scott is convinced it's a boy and I keep having dreams about it being a girl! So we'll see. Although in truth I hope it is a boy. Edie will forever remain the princess, and then I wont have to deal with two pmsing, teenagers when they are older...I remember what our house was like...my step mom, my two stepsisters and me. It was like world war 3, and we all seemed to get our periods at the same time. It was nuts.

On the Gabe front he has figured out how to open all the doors in our house, so in order to keep him safe we have put a door knob safety cover on the inside of his door. This way he wont get up in the middle of the night and fall down the stairs. (His room is on the second floor which happens to be surrounded by two flights of stairs, one leading up and one leading down). It's also safer if there's a fire to keep bedrooms doors closed at night, and ultimately safer for my sanity and all lives involved if I don't have to keep putting him to bed 20 times a night. All in all, it's a major safety concern for him to be able to open the doors. Luckily there was an easy enough solution.

Too bad all things couldn't be that easy with kids, but being a mom dictates creative thinking, endless patience, and undivided attention 24/7! That's why mother's Day is a special day. Scott's mom wants us all to go to Pender Harbour (where she lives) for Mother's Day so we can see her new house and hang out. I have decided that we aren't going to oblige her. For one it's my first Mother's Day with Edie and I want it to be just us. For another, I don't want to go is because I'm pregnant. I'm not feeling great, I'm constantly tired, and to travel that long with kids is like running a 100 mile marathon. It's just too much effort. Not to mention Scott's brother and his wife are going to be going and they have been trying for over a year to get pregnant with their second child. They really don't need to be reminded on Mother's Day of all day's that they can't seem to have any more babies; while every Tom, Dick and Harry around them seem to get pregnant at the drop of a hat, or in our case the drop of a puck!

Dud

My birthday was a bit of a dud (other than the fact I did turn 27, nothing really spectacular happened). In addition, today was just one of those days that if something could go wrong it did go wrong. It started off with getting up early and not sleeping in since I decided that it was too beautiful out at 830am to sleep the day away (little did I know it would cloud over and rain by the afternoon...)I announced that I wanted to go to the lake instead of being pampered for the day (why?). We actually got on the road at 930 which wasn't a bad start at all. We made a quick stop at Walmart to get Gabe some new sandals and off we went. After a 45 minute drive we arrived at the entrance to the lake! Unfortunately we overheard a park ranger telling another group that the Lake was still closed for the winter. How the HELL is a lake closed. Stupid provincial park. Ridiculous. So Gabe got really mad because he was stoked to be going to the lake and proceeded to cry and whine the entire way back home. When we finally arrived home (after what seemed like hours at this point) we put the kids down for the nap, and I crashed on the couch. Three hours later Scott woke us all up and got us lunch. Then both kids got clingy really fast and although Scott attempted to help all they wanted was me. Sigh. We put Gabe to bed at 730, and at 830 and several attempts at biting my nipple off later I made Edie a bottle of formula. I think my milk is drying up which is unfortunate but also a relief. Now I wont have any choice but to wean her. Sorry Edie, but you're done.

So Edie finally fell asleep but Gabe woke up crying and terrified because some *insert bad word here* across the street were partying, screaming, and carrying on. I ended up in his room for over an hour calming him down until finally he fell asleep. Now I'm exhausted and have decided I'm sleeping in tomorrow.

Sleep. That's all I really want.

And thanks everyone for the birthday wishes!

Birthday plans

When Scott asked me what I wanted to do on my birthday I announced that I wanted to spend the day at the lake, have a picnic with the kids, and walk around the many trails there (this seemed like an ideal birthday as I never get to go anywhere), but between last week and today my pregnancy has hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm more than tired, and I have never felt so exhausted in my entire life. Today that exhaustion wiped me out for good. I was feeling pretty sick the entire day, and I just didn't have the energy to do much mothering past 3 pm; other than the essential parts like keeping them alive and uninjured (thank god for dinner left overs from the night before)! Basically I gave into TV and let my kids minds disintegrate a little along with my own. Fortunately they hated all the shows I was watching and widely ignored the mind numbing crap I had turned on.

I'm thinking Scott's original suggestion of taking the kids to the dump (no he isn't leaving them there) and letting me sleep half the day away is the best birthday plan I have ever heard. I think I'm going to take him up on that offer, and since he plans on getting me an Ebook or the Canadian equivalent, then I think my last half of the day will be consumed by reading whatever book I choose to download!

Birthday laziness here I come.

Hmm and maybe Chinese food with that?

B is for ball

Just a quick post on some of the quirkiness our household has endured for the past few days (I'm exhausted so any longer posts wont be happening). Gabe has begun to pick up a lot more words and is becoming fairly comprehensible. He's still not speaking in sentences regularly but at least now I have some idea of what he's trying to say. The words he spoke tonight which amazed me were "birthday" "grandma" "puzzle" and "balls". I know...why should balls amaze me...well it was in the context the word was used. He ran upstairs to get some puzzle pieces he had in his room and when he returned he was without his diaper. So i asked him what happened to it. That's when he looked down exclaimed "ooh" while grabbing himself and said "balls". I couldn't help myself, I laughed until i nearly cried. I knew he didn't have a diaper rash so he wasn't in pain; it was stoking hot in the house, so I guess he was too hot and uncomfortable cooped up in his diaper. Well alright, let em hang free. (and yes I approve of teaching your children the correct words for their body parts but testicles is a hell of a lot harder to say at the moment than balls!)

The other thing Gabe has been doing on an ever increasing basis is watching over Edie - she has become an excellent butt scoocher- which means her mobility as increased 10 fold and it fascinates and frightens Gabe. Everywhere she goes he feels the need to follow and take from her anything he feels is too dangerous. He tells her not to touch the stove ("Edie" he says while tentatively touching the stove and recoiling in mock pain while screaming "ow"), he tells her not to play with the recycling bag ( and will pull it from her grasp while placing it safely out of reach), and he stops her from eating his books. Unfortunately he doesn't always know the difference between what's dangerous and whats not; as this morning I dropped a cheerio on the floor which Edie happily popped into her mouth and he worked himself into a state of tears trying to get her to spit it out. I finally had to take him into my lap, tell him "I'm the mommy and Edie is safe" before he calmed down. Of course, not ten minutes later he was running like a banshee back in forth in front of her while happily slapping her on the head with each new pass. But that's Gabriel for you, from saviour to terror in no time flat!

On the Edie front she is definitely more mobile and given a little more courage will be pulling herself up on stuff and taking her first steps. She's a little behind Gabriel with walking and crawling but I know that's only because shes a lot more careful. She's also been babbling up a storm and says momma and Dada on a regular basis. The next stage of Edie ville will be moving her to her own room. I'm ready for it. I'm sick of being kicked in the face at night.

Well that's all for the update tonight. I feel like I could fall into a deep sleep and stay there for a good year. MMMmmm, if only.

My Angel

When Gabriel was born my life was turned upside down. Not only was I a new mother, but I was also a mother to a preemie. For any mother to watch her child - her baby - endure hardships you yourself have never had to experience is a hard thing to request. I slept by his bedside for two straight weeks and experienced all the firsts every new mother gets to have. The first bath, the first diaper change, the first cuddle, the first breast feed. But I also experienced the first feeding which was through a tube, and the first brief touch through the incubator, and the first time all his monitors screamed with alarms signalling that his breathing had stopped and his heart was slowing. I watched first hand as a nurse came sprinting in to resuscitate my son and I knew it hadn't been the first time he had "decelled". In those early days I experienced all that uncertainty, all that fear, and I knew his name held more weight than ever before. I needed more than anything for those angels to exist, and I needed mine - my angel Gabriel- to survive. I'm very grateful to every nurse and every doctor that attended to Gabe in those first early weeks, but it will be too soon if I ever have to step into another situation where my child needs those wonderful people. In short, I never want to experience anything like that again.

So today as I was getting my children dressed and ready to go out, it was all so routine that I failed to notice my now mobile daughter, butt shuffle from her "safe" position beside me to the very edge of a large flight of stairs in our house. In fact I was so engrossed in picking out their outfits that when My angel Gabriel exclaimed "No Edie, no fall down?" I barely glanced up. But when I did I saw my daughter, not four steps from me, leaning towards those stairs which have haunted my dreams (literally). I knew in that instant she was going to fall, I knew in that instant I wouldn't get to her in time, and I knew in that instant that my world was about to crumble around me. My stomach hit my throat, my breath was trapped in my chest and I swear my heart stopped. Suddenly everything turned from play to slow mode. My movements seemed inconsequential, too slow, like a nightmare where no matter how fast you run, you're barely moving. That's when he materialized out of nowhere, my tunnel vision clearing just a little, and I see shes not alone. Gabriel is grabbing her around the waist in the same second that she begins to fall. The slow motion horror film dissolves around me and I stumble to where Gabe has already pulled Edie to a safe distance. I gather her into my arms, tears in my eyes, knowing that it is only by the grace of god that her body isn't broken and bruised at the bottom of our stairs. My knees give out in front of Gabe and he beams that smile that could melt the polar ice caps and says "Edie no fall".

I want to say a million things to him, I need to express my gratitude but everything I manage to choke out are words he doesn't understand. Finally I say the words I've said to him from the instant he was born. "i love you". And at least for today, that's all the gratitude he needs.

Girls day out

Today I was awoken by the lovely sound of my son screaming. I laid in bed while Edie stirred next to me and said the prayer every mother quietly sends to anyone who might be listening (and with my usual lack of response I'm thinking...no one) "please go back to sleep, please go back to sleep". After 10 minutes of steadily increasing hysterics I decided that I had to get him something to drink and maybe a diaper change...and hoped he'd happily head back to dreamland - "please go back to sleep, Please go back to sleep". Unfortunately Edie was now completely awake and began to whine when I left the bed...Okay...I guess you're coming with me...like that ever goes over well. I get him a glass of milk and a new diaper and as I'm changing him I see him look at Edie (Miss chatty Cathy in the corner of his room) and he breaks out into a huge grin...I groan inwardly...this is not a good sign.

I quickly get up and tell him it's still dark and Edie's tired (yeah right) and everyone needs to go back to sleep. I leave his room quickly and as I'm shutting the door the crying begins again. I head back to my room and lay in the bed with Edie -"Please go to sleep...please go to sleep" - the crying doesn't stop and Edie is giggling and acting goofy. At this point I give up.

I head back to Gabe's room, unleash the crazy from his cage and tell him that "I'm not a happy mommy right now" and I ask him if he knows why? He nods and points at his sister...."No buddy, it's because it's 5 in the morning and mommy doesn't like getting up when its still dark". Then he smiles and nods as if to say..."oh of course that's the answer...ask me again...I'll get it right this time".

We head down stairs where I run on auto pilot. Gabe asks for Rice Krispies so I get him a bowl and a spoon and he eats away. Meanwhile I feed Edie her breakfast. Ten minutes into his meal he begins to whine and I mutter under my breath "don't be starting already...at least wait for mommy to have coffee" I glance up at him and he looks back at me quizzically while holding his fork out for me...I blink...FORK? Ooops. I laugh then get him a spoon while apologizing..."well it is early" I say.

At around 930am Gabe melts down and I put him to bed. However, Edie just got up from a two hour nap so I wont be catching up on sleep anytime soon. I decide this would be a perfect time to do some shopping. I tell Scott that I'm leaving and if he needs me to call the cell. Edie and I take off to find me some much needed mommy birthday gifts. We find a cute little strip mall where I end up buying a "Princess Eats" dish set, a lamb book, a Cars fanny pack,a shopping cart sling, and a cute pair of baby sunglasses. After two hours of shopping I realize I haven't bought a thing for myself, so we pop by the grocery store where I buy myself a book and a pack of gum (which I end up sharing with Gabriel).

Now I just need to find some time to read my book, and my birthday will be complete! Truthfully I enjoyed my little girls day out and can't wait to do it again...without the 5 o clock wake up.

Edie is teething

So one of Edie's top teeth have finally broke through and she has made sure everyone in the house knows it. Thankfully a little bit of Tylenol and teething gel has giving her some relief. And poor Gabe has become her teething ring. He loves to lay on her when they first wake up, his head in her lap, while she plays with his hair. But today instead of a loving exchange he got bite marks across the back of his neck. He wasn't impressed!

During Edie's turn towards whininess Gabe has become his old self again. It's been a a few days now since I saw the mean little tantrumer he had become, so I'm hoping hes beginning to adjust to his new understanding of the world. I have been doing my best to let him make decision in order to prevent his daily meltdowns. I think I just wasn't giving him options. Now instead of telling him to do something I get him to help me. So if we are leaving the house he can decide what shoes he'll wear, and whether or not he rides in the stroller, etc etc. This has cut back on the tantrums exponentially. The other secret tantrum preventer I have discovered is the hand puppet! If he cant or wont tell mom or dad what the matter is, he'll confide it in the hand puppet and the hand puppet can talk and reason with him if hes not allowed to have something. It's amazing. It's a miracle tantrum cure for him. And every night I give the kids a little puppet show full of their favourite songs and end the set with "there's a hole in my bucket" where me and "baa baa" (its a cow puppet but Gabe thinks its a sheep so he's named it Baa baa) sing a duet! There's always an encore since the kids are enthralled and by the time bedtime hits it's a lot less of a fight.

I'm glad I have discovered some tools to help Gabe express himself and by the time my birthday rolls around (and he's gestationally 2 years old) we will decide whether we should get him in for a speech assessment. So far I think he might need a little bit of help with it, but I guess that's what the experts will tell us. Hopefully he wont need a full intervention and maybe just a few exercises to help him out, but Scott and I will do whatever it takes to get him caught up. I know it must be frustrating not being able to communicate so the sooner he can get some help, the better!

Ch Ch Ch Changes

The obvious change at my house right now is me. I've got a crazy amount of hormones raging through my body supporting my third and final baby and I'm feeling it. I'm exhausted and no longer have much patience at all. It's like PMSing, continuously. I feel so bad for anyone around me right now. I try and hold my tongue and keep my temper in check as much as possible when around my kids but its not always possible. Today Edie fell on her head a multitude of times while leaning too far to reach a toy, and every time I heard her head bounce of the floor or wall I raged. Not at her, but at the floor or wall. I was so pissed that those inanimate objects would get in her way and cause her pain that I ended up stomping the floor and kicking the wall while Scott and Gabe looked at me as though I had just been possessed. And man it feels that way. I usually have the patience of a saint. But lately that patience has turned sour! Now even loud chewing annoys the bejesus out of me. STOP eating...Is that too much to ask?! Goddamn it. Thankfully I only have about a month left before I'm in my second trimester...ahh the blessed second trimester, it can't arrive soon enough!

The second major change is Gabe being weaned from the bottle. I wasn't going to do it while potty training but potty training got delayed when Gabe rejected it outright and refused to have anything to do with it (might have something to do with inconsistency in keeping Gabe out of diapers...daddy...AHEM). In any case, I decided if Gabe didn't want to potty train then I wasn't going to force him so instead I cut all the nipples to his bottles and told him they broke! It worked like a charm. Hes obsessed with the word broken and what it means, and probably says it 50 million times a day; so it only took one nap time without a bottle to get him to accept that they were gone forever. Hallelujah, that was 1000 times easier than I thought it would be!

The next step I will make in the household is sleep weaning for Edie. I've decided to start in about a month, when I'm in my second trimester and not so tired. This transition will most definitely be the most difficult but also the most necessary with a third baby on the way.

Then the baby days will start all over again, right about the time my two oldest are gaining more independence...

Have I mentioned, this is definitely my last. Finished. No more. Done.

Vasectomy, here you come Scott...(have I mentioned how much I love you lately...when your not chewing next to me?)

Turning 27

I'm about to be 27! The clock is ticking down, and Im not sure how I want from high school graduate to mom of 2 (and a bit) in little under 10 years. I still have moments where Im propelled back in time, and I look at my life for a few minutes through the eyes of that 18 year old and think...how in the hell did this happen?

I remember being a self centered (not at all aware of it), immature (not at all aware of it), brat (kind of aware of it). I wouldnt say I was bad, or cruel, or even a bitch, I was just..well...a kid. I thought I knew it all. I thought I understood the world, and how it worked, and thought I knew all there was to know about anything that truly mattered. Boy did I have my head up my ass.

No longer does school and grades rule my life (which is sooo nice!) I no longer feel the need to get wasted, hang out with guys who are all wrong for me, or worry about my make up and hair being done just right. My worries have evolved. My worries are now about my husband, about my house, and about my mother in law. Some of me is still immature in the regard that I let others peoples judgements bother me, but at least im self aware enough to realize that now. And of course my biggest worry is about my kids. I worry about their safety with strangers and people I know. I worry about them starting school and how grades dont always reflect a child's true potential. I worry that when they get older they'll feel the need to get wasted, hang out with the wrong crowd, or be so self critical that they wont leave the house without looking just right. I worry about them believing they know it all when in reality they know very little of the world. I worry about them being like me. But at least I know that in time, if their lucky, they'll learn how to self reflect, how to apologize and mean it, and how to say..damn I screwed up and I'll do better next time.

I want the world for my kids, but I want them to earn it, so they'll get to hold that prize in their hands and feel pride. I want them to know, that no matter where you end up in life, its the journey along the way that will define you and make you better..if you let it.

So 27 years old. With 2 kids (and a bit), and a life that im proud of for the mere fact that I earned it, that I lived and learned it.

SO happy birthday me. Its going to be a good one.