Saturday, June 9, 2012

Irony Sucks.


Here I am four fingers deep in rum and I still can't come up with a thing to write. My husband's no help at all.

"Babe, what should I blog about this week?!" I whine helplessly at him.

"I don't know, what's on your mind?"

I want to say big things; huge topics and great fields of inquiry like politics, global warming, or the terrifying threat of Fukushima...but no. What's on my mind is that my clothes dryer is on its last legs and we don't have money to fix it. I also keep thinking that this one hemorrhoid feels like someones rammed a piece of glass up my ass. And I should probably stop drinking while I write - it could lead to an alcohol problem (or embarrassing revelations about hemorrhoids).

I love that dog...but she is so dumb. Today I gave the kids flashlights to play with because I'm awesome and lazy. They got her to run full bore, face first, into the wall...repeatedly! She was chasing the light.... At least she's cute.


None of these topics would interest readers for very long. I would hope anyway. I guess I could do a post on alcoholism...but really. I'm not an alcoholic, yet.

Then a revelation! I will write about not writing. I'm a genius.

.........

*crickets*

..........

Well...not writing sucks. I feel I have this greatness contained within my brain. This one tiny, little talent that enables me to stand above the crowd, thumping my chest, and proclaiming myself *gasp* a Writer. But then it comes...that ancient demon, that wicked monster known as Writer's Block. It wiggles and worms its way into my psyche, whispering doubts and tongue lashing all topics.

"Oh please, that's so over done" he groans (I don't know why he's a man, he just is).

"Really, you're going to reveal THAT and expect followers...?"

"A post about your dumb dog...no" he jeers.

"Another post about your kids...Jesus...get a life".

And round and round the "Wheel of 'FUCK'!" turns and I can't, for the life of me, figure out a topic this demon would like. Nope, nothing; I got nothing.

And then while I'm passing out in front of "Weird or What?" - and is Shatner really in his 80's? - It comes to me. I will write again. I will defeat this grotesque and demoralizing voice. My solution is to pen a blog about him, about this creature that lurks and skulks inside my brain waiting for the chance to laugh at my misfortune.

He's hypercritical and all around a giant dick.

D.I.C.K.

Did you hear me "Writer's Block" - if indeed that is your real name? I'm defeating your sorry ass by writing about your sorry ass.

Irony sucks, doesn't it?

BAM. Blog post. Done.

13 comments:

Sarah Elizabeth said...

I think it was you who once told me, "your followers are here to listen. if they don't like it, they'll ignore you." It was something to that effect. And that's true here. I'll read posts about your kids and your dumb dog all day because I care and if someone doesn't care, they'll poop off and go read something else. But there will always be people to read your poop. The good poop and the bad. Um. But writer's block lies. There will be the written word, and it will be good. It's just a matter of getting past the "stop judging me, self!" portion of it.

Big Red ☺ said...

Real life is more interesting, and so is genuality. Is that a word?

carrie said...

@Sarah- If I ever said something that wise I don't recall it lol. But I will take your advice of my advice and use it for the powers of good! You're right of course. People come here to read about my dumb dog and crazy kids - it's kinda my thang!! Damn inner, doubty voice.

@ Big Red - I will have to dictionary "genuality" lol...but I get what your saying. Stay true to myself and real life will present enough interesting topics to write about!

jillsmo said...

So awesome. I can so totally relate. Especially to the rum and the hemorrhoids.

carrie said...

@Jillsmo-Oh man. I wish you could only relate to the rum. The rest sucks!!! :S

Jack said...

The best way to beat writer's block is to just write. Don't worry about whether people will like it- just write.

It really works and you never know what will resonate with others. I wrote a post about how to hard boil eggs and it consistently receives traffic and feedback.

carrie said...

@Jack- Really!!! That's awesome lol. I will try that next time. Just write, even if it seems mundane. Thanks! :)

Reanna said...

Dude, I made a blowjob sandwich on my blog today... you're not in bad shape with ass glass and stupid animals!

Writer's block really is a dick. I definitely feel much as you do. Look at me, I'm a writer!!! Wait, I take pictures of lint. WTF?

I think the immediacy of blogging can be overwhelming sometimes... and that's why your authenticity is great. I'd rather hear about your reality than some BS manufactured just for the sake of posting.

carrie said...

@Reanna- Bahahahah. Your lint was awesome. lol. And I agree, I think it's the immediacy of blogging that sends me into a writers block head spin! Such a bitch. And thanks for the words about authenticity, even if my next post is about my dumbass dog, I think you're right - that's what makes it worth reading, not the topic itself!!

Alison@Mama Wants This said...

I kick Writer's Block in the ass all the time because I am breastfeeding.

Stay with me here.

When you're half-asleep and delirious while nursing, the best ideas come! Then you're wide awake and need to bang out that idea on your computer!

Then you can't go back to sleep at 4am though you need the sleep. Hey, can't win all the time right? :)

carrie said...

I wish I was still breastfeeding. I can't get delirious from sleep deprivation anymore! lol. Your breastfeeding is working! Your posts are awesome!

Treading Water in the Kiddie Pool said...

Ugh! I hate it when that happens. Way to turn it around though!

carrie said...

@ Treading Water- thanks me too!!