Saturday, February 18, 2012

I Suck at Parenting...

It's true. I suck at parenting sick kids. Normal mothers fawn over their sweet, ruddy faced child, whereas I'm more worried about containing the infection. I admit to slapping "contaminated" cups out of my healthy children's hands, and diving across furniture to cover a coughing mouth, and yes I have even been heard screaming "Do YOU want to get SICK?!" Ultimately, I come off looking like a rabid Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible - karate chopping cups, diving over furniture, screaming in slow mode ...

Truth be told, I have never confessed my dread of virus's to anyone. It's much easier letting people think I have it all figured out and that I am a parenting Guru; just call me Master Sensei! ;) But the sad reality is...illness is my Achilles heal. Yup, June Cleaver I am NOT.

Their snotty noses, raspy voices, and disgusting diarrhea poops make my first instinct one I'm not proud of. If I could - if it weren't obviously inhumane - I would treat their illness like something that had the potential to kill a million people if it ever breached the walls of my home!

Oh how I wish this were possible because the hard and fast rule of parenting a sick kid is - if one gets sick they all get sick! I have three toddlers and this translates to three times the amount of bodily fluids to clean up, not to mention three times the tears, oh and three times the paranoia...hello heart defect child lives here!.

But what if I could contain the infection..what if somehow I could prevent transmission...


To do so effectively a person would have to follow a few steps. First and foremost isolate the carrier. Put patient Zero into a room that is easily sealed off *don't forget to wear a face mask and surgical gloves* and  remember that copious amount of ingested Vitamin C can never be wrong (probably). While the child is in lockdown resting comfortably, tape up some shower curtains and leave the room immediately. Once outside the area of contamination wipe down any and all surface that may have been touched, coughed, sneezed or barfed on!

Now don't forget about the tiny prisoner patient. They will need to be fed, bathed, and generally taken care of, so make sure to have a Hazmat suit on hand; one can always ask the CDC if they have an extra one laying around, and although this may insinuate intentions of terrorism - it's totally worth it. If obtaining said suit is impossible try surgical masks or holding one's breath when entering the room.  Above all touch NOTHING. If the child needs to be touched (to take a temperature or change a diaper) then throw on another pair of surgical gloves and burn all clothing afterwards.

It may seem as though these measures are extreme but a mother's sanity must be maintained at all costs, and being sick while taking care of sick kids is a torture I would not wish upon my worst enemy - Okay that's a lie.

Once the virus has run it's course then free the child.

Of course I'm not completely insane, I understand that I cannot in Canada in good conscience do this; plus the CDC refuses to return my calls. So I guess instead I will fall back on the old standby...

I will give them warm milk (ensuring no cross contamination occurs between the sick and the healthy), I will cuddle and rock the virus laden, tiny human (while breathing shallowly and heroically attempting not to pass out from lack of oxygen), and when they've spiked a fever I will put them in lukewarm baths smelling of lavender (while secretly plotting their next saline nose injection).

Yes I know how this all sounds - but I am not a germ-a-phobe! I'm just a parent who dreads the common cold as much as a single person dreads Valentines Day.

Inevitably it will all boil down to tears, snot, and liquid medication...

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

awesome and so true!