Wednesday, February 1, 2012

This House


I shake my fist at the heritage artifice that is my home; often times cursing its poor construction and my naivety at being a first time home buyer. Against our better judgement, spurred on by excitement and the ultimate sign of independence, we waived the option for inspection. It was a brand new development surely it was built properly. It wasn’t.
Now I find that I fantasize about leaving this place and purchasing some land with a farm house nestled in its center. I live there most days, on this fantasy farm, picking fresh fruit and calling to my giggling children...

but something unexpected happened...

I choked up.

I fought back tears when my husband suggested we might have to go sooner than I was prepared for. Leave? But we only just got here. It seemed like we just moved in.

He apologized.

I chastised myself because its not his choice. When it's time to go – there is no debate. RCMP members are moved as often as every three years to reduce the chances of corruption and ensure impartiality. It doesn’t make leaving any easier, though. I tried to shake it off. Home is where the heart is. My heart is with them; with my sweet, beautiful, loving kids and him the husband.

But a part of me revolted against the reality. Leave my home? What about the measurements on the wall and the hardwood floor thats seen so many firsts, and we can't leave the bath I laboured in, or the yard they play in...

This house - It's only three years old, and I have lived here its entire life. A lifetime that has been spent standing tall during some of our family's most awe inspiring moments, and sheltering us during some of the worst trials we've ever endured.

It's a stubborn little house, a house with personality. And somewhere along the line this heritage artifice etched a place into my stone heart, cracked my hard facade and safely encased a million memories.

These walls, they whisper to me, they tell our story and if we leave it...will I somehow forget it all? So many events, so many beautiful, gut wrenching moments, so much life. How can I step away from that so easily?

It would seem I can't...

And so I have come to the only conclusion I can draw. I love this place. I love it despite its problems. I love it because it's more than a poorly constructed house, somewhere along the line it became a part of the family. And I find...somehow...my heart is here too, between these walls, drumming a percussive beat that flashes through memories and moments in a blink of an eye. A beat that simply says...

love them, love them, love them





I'm linking up with YeahWrite this week (June 11, 2012) with one of my favourite posts from this year.


read to be read at yeahwrite.me

40 comments:

reticentwriter said...

I see why it's your favorite. You made the house seem like a part of your family, which we love in spite of (and sometimes because of) all their imperfections. Nicely done.

Delilah Love said...

Beautiful post. You really captured the heart of your home. I loved it!

Robbie K said...

Having just moved across country and left our house and life of seven years I can completely relate to this post. The mixed emotions of it all. vivid details and so eloquently written.

Joe said...

Having spent 30 years in the military, moving every few years, I can empathize with your distress over leaving. It's funny that we get so attached to the structures we call home, when what really makes a home always accompanies us as we resettle elsewhere.

Vanessa said...

I don't know how I would handle that - moving every 3 years.

Alison@Mama Wants This said...

A house is really a place where memories are made, isn't it?

Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms said...

My heart is in my throat for you. I had to move from the house where I had my first 2 babies and it was hard! Good luck, Erin

Gia said...

Aww, bittersweet. I'd find it hard to move.

carrie said...

@reticentwriter-that was most definitely my intent. I'm glad it wasn't just me who could see that! :)

@Delilah-My home is such a beast...yet somehow I love it. I think maybe because its our first family home.

@Robbie K- Moving is so hard. I hate the packing and unpacking but I think leaving behind the place you built so many memories in is the hardest.

@Joe-It's so true. We bring home and all it means with us wherever we go.

@Vanessa-sometimes it's every five! lol

@Alison-So true. And so in a way my house, to me, is the family photoalbum and I find it difficult - the thought of leaving it behind.

@Erin-well the newest news is my husband has decided to join a section which is a specialized field within the RCMP, right now he's traffic but has decided to become part of First Nations policing (he's Metis) and they need someone down here so it looks like we may have bought another three years here!

@Gia- hopefully my husband will get the open spot in the First Nations policing down here and we can stay for a few more years!! I'm crossing my fingers.

Your Doctor's Wife said...

A cold shock went down my spine when I read you waived your inspection. Yikes!!!
I haven't moved from our tiny house for the exact same reason. I just love it and can't stand the thought of moving. I really get it!

carrie said...

@yourdoctorswife- I KNOW!...so dumb. lol. Moving is sometimes so hard, especially if your emotionally invested in a place.

Heidi said...

Beautiful. Amazing how a house becomes a home and makes its way to our heart.
So well said.
My heart goes out to you.

carrie said...

@Heidi - thanks. And it is amazing!

Dawn Beronilla said...

I love this!
Oh the height marks on the walls! The tub you labored in!
You really did a great job of giving the house a personality, and of reminding me just how much more a house is than walls and a roof.
Great job!

carrie said...

@Dawn - its awesome what you can see when you suddenly might lose something you never knew was dear to you. I spent so much time cursing this damn house I was really taken aback by how emotional I got about leaving it!!! Stupid house...becoming a home while I wasn't looking.

Kenja Purkey said...

My house was built in the 1950s and has yet to be updated: pepto-colored pink toilet and bathtub, sage green tile counters in the kitchen, horrible wallpaper everywhere. Yet, it's my home and I like it. I'm not saying I wouldn't like to do some renovating, but your house definitely becomes part of the family with each new memory you make in it.
Nice post!

Adrienne said...

Ugh! my heart was breaking reading this. You've really written about the home here. Not the building, but the heart of family. Those walls are where you've made your memories! It's hard to say good bye, but the memories go with you, and the plans God has for you are GOOD!

Dude of The House said...

Leaving a place that is special can be tough. Especially when it's not by choice. Make sure you take lots of pictures and walk through with a videocamera, too.

Julie said...

I will never forget leaving our first family home...the place I discovered I was pregnant with both my children; the down payment made instead of taking a honeymoon.

My babies were just two and four. We sold to a nice young family.

But while the moving vans were still taking our furniture they were already ripping up the carpet we'd selected, the flooring we chose.

They were tearing out cabinets with our fingerprints on them.

My heart broke a little.
But then I put it back together at our new home.

With my family.

The Writer, Rinser, Repeater said...

Beautiful post!!! You captured your feelings about your home so well. I enjoyed it!

Treading Water in the Kiddie Pool said...

"And somewhere along the line this heritage artifice etched a place into my stone heart, cracked my hard facade and safely encased a million memories"

I love that line. This was a really great post. We have been thinking about moving recently and similar thoughts have been going through my mind. Even though we are outgrowing this place, how can I leave the house that has watched my babies cease to be babies?

jamie said...

Beautiful post. I can understand... home is where the heart is. Sometimes it's difficult to let go but we eventually move on still ;)

doseofreality said...

Beautiful post. You captured exactly what makes a house a home. :)

carrie said...

@Kenja-its so true. Each new memory is like another breath of life to your house.

@Adrienne-thanks hun, I always love hearing from you! I hope you're right and God's plan for me is wicked.

@Dudeofthehouse- thanks for the awesome suggestion! I will! Men and their logically good ideas.

@Julie-Oh gosh that would kill me. Already tearing your place up before you even had a chance to leave...brutal! I'm glad your new home was able to repair your heart! :)

@writerrinserrepeater- You're blond!!! OOO I like it!

@treadingwaterinthekiddiepool- I know that's probably the most difficult part - this was my kids first family home. I know they love it here and feel safe and have none of the frustrations or feelings of anger towards the builders of the house like their father and I do lol. So it's special to them.

@Jamie-its so true and moving on doesn't have to be bad, most times it's exciting.

@doseofreality- thanks so much! :)

Werdyab Blog said...

Beautifully written! "Home is where the heart is." :)

carrie said...

@Werdyyab- its so true. whoever came up with that saying was a genius.

Cindy ~ The Reedster Speaks said...

It's amazing how property can become so much a part of our history and identity - even in a short time. We are trying to downsize for economic reasons and sell a house we've only been in for 2 years, but it is gut wrenching. Thanks for sharing your story.

Michelle Longo said...

We moved out of our first house 2 years ago and I remember standing there, the house empty once again, with tears streaming down my face at the enormity of it all. You really captured that here. Great post.

Amanda said...

Beautiful. As someone who often dreams of change but then revolts against it when it comes I totally relate to what you are saying. It's amazing how and inanimate object can cradle so many memories and feelings.

carrie said...

@Cindy-It is surprising how much our homes become a big part of what defines us (especially as a family unit). Its hard coming to terms with losing that sometimes.

@Michelle- Aww, Moving is so freaking hard!

@Amanda- oh how true this is. I am always walking around with my head in the clouds imagining what it would be like to live where the grass is greener and sometimes its only when I'm jolted back to reality that I realize how green my grass already is!

christie tate said...

I love this description of the house, its meaning and your emotions. So well done.

carrie said...

@Christie- Thanks so much! :)

Shan said...

Moving is really, really hard. We moved around A LOT when I was a kid (like every year or two) and I think it was hardest on my mom. I don't know how she found the energy to unpack and hang things on the wall and always try to make it like home. The good thing is that those three beautiful little faces at the bottom of your page will be with you wherever you go! :)

carrie said...

@Shan-yes they will be! :) And I will do my best to always make them feel like they are home. Even if home changes more often than I would prefer.

Vivian said...

My sympathies Carrie, it seems that you may have a lot of moving if you husband keeps the same job. I probably win the prize for the most moves. One tip when the move happens. Give each room in the new house a number. Then stick stickers on all your furniture and boxes with the same numbers. It makes moving a lot easier.

carrie said...

Oh thanks Vivian, that's a great idea!

mannahattamamma.com said...

Moving is hard, always. But you know, as you said, "home" is the people inside the structure. The structure is just a house, a shelter, a place. Roots are great, and routine, and memories...but much of that you can take with you. Home is the tentpole you take with you; house just geography.

carrie said...

@manhattamama- This was my fav comment!! THAT was perfect and true!! :D

Kait said...

It would seem to be, moving people about, so they are kinda rootless would lead to MORE corruption, not less.
Thank your husband for me. I appreciate his & yours sacrifices. I like the RCMP. :)

carrie said...

@Kait- its so they can remain impartial to the people they pull over or arrest. If you're in a small town and pull over John who owns the pool hall or Mary who babysits your kids, or Carl whose friends with your Sergeant then that can muddy the waters. Thats why they move them lol.

Plus they don't want people working together for too long because sometimes you will need to speak out against a coworker and its harder to do if you've worked with them for decades. Thats the thinking anyway. :)