Friday, November 19, 2010
Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away...
Puck has been hit hard by the cold that has been circulating our house despite our best efforts to keep him well. With a head cold his breathing has become laboured once more and I'm terrified it could turn into a lung infection in his fragile state.
Today we are meeting with a new pediatrician so she can assess him and determine what if anything can be done about this new turn of events. I'm trying my best to remain upbeat but it's hard to do when I'm sleep deprived and terrified.
I feel like our lives have been put into stasis. I can't be around my other two kids because of their colds, I don't sleep much because of my worries over Puck, and my anger at the whole situation is becoming nuclear. I just want to break something. I want to scream and yell and blame something or someone. Instead I sit here and write because I dont know any other way to express such horrible emotions.
I feel so helpless. My stomach is so tied up in knots it's hard to choke down food. I eat though. I eat so I can maintain my breast milk, but truthfully I haven't felt hungry since Puck first wound up in the hospital. I wish I could see the future. I wish I knew what was coming and how to prepare. Instead I have to consider every possibility and it's killing me. I find myself taking pictures and videos of him...just in case... And just admitting that makes me cry. A mother shouldnt have to contemplate such possible scenarios. It's not fair.
But this is the hard part of motherhood. The parts you have no control over. The parts that make you break out in cold sweats and make back room deals with any and all parties. It's the desperate prayers and the quiet tears. It's the sobbing I did on my husbands shoulder this morning. It's the love you feel so deep that when it's threatened... cuts you to the soul.