About a week ago I wrote all about how you were turning out to be my easiest baby. I gushed about how great you were and how much you slept and rarely fussed, and how I would have to wake you to feed because you barely made a squawk. I didn't know it was because your heart was making your lungs work too hard. I didn't know you were burning too many calories and so didn't have the energy to be awake...or even to eat on time.
But it doesn't matter anymore. It all seems so trivial now. Hoping for a good baby. Feeling as though I needed an "easy" infant because I already had two young ones at home. All I care about now, little one, is that you get well. The medicine the doctors prescribed for you has finally regulated your breathing. It took three doses and one and half days but you are currently breathing normally.
So now with our new situation, and these new challenges we have to overcome, I need to make you some new promises.
I promise, Puck, that no matter how scary this gets I won't shut down my feelings for you. I won't let myself detach in anyway. You will be loved as much and even more than before. I promise never to be afraid to love you.
I promise that I will do everything in my power to get you well. I will be your champion. I will make the hard decisions. I will do what you cannot do for yourself yet. And I will never give up.
And finally I promise that your family will always stand by your side. We will all take turns holding your hand, stroking your head, and telling you how much we love you.
Love is a very powerful healer Puck. And we all adore you so much. If I could I would trade places with you. I would give you my heart. I would do what I had to in order to ensure you never had to endure such a difficult journey. But I don't have that power. As much as it kills me to admit it, I can't fix this, not without outside intervention. So I will consult with the cardilogists and the pediatricians and any and every doctor I need to. And in the end I will do what a mother does best. I will love you. Everyday.