Friday, August 27, 2010

For the Record.

Dear Gabe and Eden.

As you may well know, being kids yourselves, children are the best miniature comedians the world will ever produce. The stuff you two have done or said since the beginning of your lives has never failed to put me into stitches. Because I am your mother, and am pretty much obligated to embarrass you with stories of yourself to your teen friends and future boyfriends and girlfriends, I have decided to record some of the most hilarious events in your young lives to date!


Event 1. Diaper change in the NICU.

We were young parents, ill prepared for the undertaking of caring for a premature infant. We were stressed, tired, and in need of some serious TLC and laughter. Then one day, during a diaper change, you pissed all over your own face. I was mortified and was screaming at daddy to "put the diaper back up, PUT THE DIAPER BACK UP", and I'm not sure if it's because your father is a bit sadistic, or if it was because he was laughing too hard, but you ended up emptying your entire bladder contents all over your own head. The funniest thing about the whole ordeal was watching your poor little reaction! You shook your tiny head from side to side trying to avoid the waterfall of pee hitting you in the face, not to mention trying in vain to catch your breath while being drowned in your own urine. CLASSIC.

Event 2. 6 weeks old at Grandmas house.

Another daddy diaper moment was brought to you only a few short weeks later. I think you were trying to punish him for his horrendous treatment of you earlier. Daddy had you on the guest bed at grandma Jefferson's house and was kneeling, face level with your not sure what the logic of this was...but just as daddy had slipped a clean diaper under your skinny butt, your tummy rumbled and out shot projectile poo! Daddy got the diaper up just in time, but I can still imagine him being an instant slower and getting a mouth full of infant crap! I really wish to this day he had, it could have been the best diaper story of all time.

Event 3. Trip to Victoria.

Approximately 3-4 months before your sister was born, your father and I took you on a trip to Vancouver Island. We visited friends and relatives and stayed in a variety of hotels. One of them was in Courtenay (The Best Western), and as with all great quality hotels, our room was beautifully decorated with breath taking floor to ceiling mirrored closets. The instant you saw yourself you got extremely excited and ran full bore at the child in the other room...never slowing for one second and never realizing that the floor did not keep going...that it was merely a reflection of our own room. You hit those mirrored doors so hard I thought for a second that there would be damage to them and you would be stuck with 7 years bad luck... starting with the multiple stitches you would need...Turns out the mirror was just fine, and so were you and I think I laughed for a good week after that.

Event 4. Edie's homecoming.

The day your sister came home was a momentous occasion, but if we thought you would let your sister have one day to be the center of attention...we were wrong. After your nap your grandma Jefferson went to get you from your room. I was snuggling down with Edie for a nap of my own when I hear my mom yelling for me. I run to your room where I'm immediately hit with the smell of crap. My mom merely looks at me and says "he got his diaper off..." With your diaper off and your little butt hanging free, you thought it would be a good idea to squat, take a crap on the rug then pick up the poo and smear it all over the walls, door, carpet, and yourself...Welcome home, Edie...

Event 5. 6 weeks after your sister was born.

You have always been a kid with instant karma. If you hurt someone the universe will slap you down in nearly the same second the act was committed. This is unfortunate for you, but fun for me to watch. Your little sister had just come home and although your jealousy was mild compared to other kids your age, it did pop up every now and then. This particular day you ran at your sister (who was strapped into her rocking chair) and hit her with one of your toys. Now I don't know how many times I've asked you not to run with food in your mouth...or for that matter to be gentle with Edie...but Karma would be your teacher this day. The minute you swung your toy train and connected it with her little, innocent, infant head, you choked on the piece of marshmallow you had been eating, barfed, slipped in it, and landed flat on your back in your own vomit. The dazed and confused look on your face was priceless!

Event 6. Potty training.

My first attempt at potty training you was only successful for a week, but in this time you managed to make me gag and shudder, and I'm sure this was your plan all along. You were doing awesome with the potty training and I was so proud of you. You rarely had accidents and when you did I asked you to help me clean it up (which you did with a weird sort of fascination). One day I was preoccupied with cooking, cleaning or attending to Edie (who knows) when I happen to look over at you and notice you are slurping some sort of liquid off my hardwood floor. My eyes scan the immediate area for cups, or bottles and when I don't see anything my shock and horror is instantaneous. "SCOTT" I scream, "STOP HIM"...Your daddy asks why..what is that? When I exclaim "He's not wearing a diaper, what do you think it is?" ,daddy again enters a state of hysterics (and is less than helpful) and you, my little man, look up at us with such a mischievous little grin that it's hard for me to claim that you were too young to know what you were doing!

Event 7. Mommy's tired brain.

You and Edie love to steal each other's toys and I'm constantly playing referee. Her favourite toy to play with is your Toy Story action figure "Woody". One day as you were sitting side by side, you snatched your action figure away from her. "Gabriel!" I said sternly, as Edie started to whimper, "Why won't you let your sister play with your little Woody" My lecture just kind of trailed off there... I still think that naming a child's favourite movie character 'Woody' was an inside joke at PIXAR.

Event 8. Diaper Cream.

You have a weird obsession with diaper cream. You love to rub it all over yourself. The first time your father and I caught you doing this you were hiding behind our bed, with a tin of penaten, and had it all over your chin and kinda looked like you had a white beard going on. I found it hilarious and took a picture! The next time I caught you doing it, I was tired and in pain, and you had managed to cover yourself...head to TOE...I was less than impressed that time!

Event 9. Flying poop.

You have been potty training for nearly two weeks now and you have only had one accident. This one accident was met by an intense look of shame and an attempt to hide behind my curtains. When I finally coaxed you out and told you it was okay that everyone had accidents, I got to taking your soiled pants off. Just as we were nearly home free your pant leg caught on your ankle and as I gave one last strong yank on your pants, they turned from garment to sling shot, and the poop that resided in them flew a good five feet..and landed on my couch! I tried not to laugh too hard so you wouldn't think pooping in your pants was hysterical...but it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.


You my little girl are not quite as adept at doing things to make me laugh until I cry; however, you are the most lovely and charming little girl, and do a million things that make me say "awwww". But don't get me do have a few stories.

Event 1. What's that!

You and your brother have bathed together for quite a while and it hasn't been until recently that you two have showed any real interest in each other. One day, as your father was bathing you (as rare as this is) I hear that tell-tale, hysterical laughter coming from your dad. I join him in the bathroom and ask him what is so funny. Your dad tells me that you grabbed Gabe's dink and yanked as hard as you could, dropping Gabe like a ton of bricks and making him yelp in pain. You and daddy thought this was hilarious...Gabe was, of course, a little less than impressed.

Event 2. Owie.

You soon grew to hate bath times and would fight me tooth and nail when it came to getting your hair washed. As I was about to lean you back and rinse out your hair, I warned your brother to back off because you liked to flail and I didn't want any injuries to occur. Gabe backed off a few paces and I dunked you in the water, and on cue you started to kick your legs as hard as humanely possible. While I'm feverishly rinsing your hair I hear "OWWWIIIEEEE"!! emanating from your brother. I glance at him and see that he is in a half squat position with your foot caught between his legs...poor Gabe...he just can't keep his junk safe from you.

Event 3. Here Horsey!

Your father and I took you and your brother to the fall fair in Chilliwack. We visited the petting zoo first. Gabe loved to run past all the animals making all their sounds, and trying in vain to communicate with them; while you sat contentedly in your stroller. As we were passing the miniature ponies, one leaned down to sniff you. The look of horror on your face and the flinch that brought your foot in a wild kick which landed directly on the ponies nose, was only matched in intensity by the wild ripple of laughter that oozed from your father and I. The pony seemed to be the only one not laughing.

Event 4. Bouncing Baby Butt.

One day, before a prenatal appointment, I was shaving my legs in the sink. You and your brother were playing in the hallway (stair landing) at my feet when I heard Gabe say "Poo, mom, poo". At first I wasn't sure what Gabe could possibly be referring to when I notice that you, my sweet angel, are naked as a jaybird. When I swing my foot from the sink I almost put it directly into your dirty diaper. When I look down at you, I see that you are happily bouncing your bare, poopy butt all over the carpet at the foot of the stairs...Your sheer look of delight and Gabe's look of utter disgust is what made this moment so memorable and so hilarious!

Event 5. Bare ass.

While I was doing the dishes I heard you and your brother's peal of laughter coming from the bathroom. I immediately knew that whatever was going on, wasn't good, as the majority of the time you two are at each other's throats. When I reach the bathroom I notice that there is paper hanging from your brother's mouth, and in your hands and I start to scold you guys for playing with the toilet paper. My confusion begins when I notice that there isn't any toilet paper in the bathroom...but you, my dear, soon cleared up that mystery when you walked past me and your bare ass was hanging out of your freshly changed diaper like those old fashioned pajamas with the ass flaps... I realized then that Gabe had chewed his way through your diaper...for what purpose i'm not entirely sure...but i think it has something to do with me randomly biting your little baby butts!

Event 6. Cracker.

You are notorious for eating other peoples discarded food. If Gabriel leaves so much as a crumb on his plate you will go after it with a zest I have never seen before. After snacks one day, Gabriel left a peanut butter covered cracker on his plate...if you can call a cracker he's licked half to death peanut butter covered... and you picked it up as per usual. You brought it over to the couch, with the intention of eating it after you were finished your cereal bar. Soon you forgot it was there and went on your merry way. A few minutes later you wandered over to the couch and rested your head on it and when you brought your head back up, you had a cracker stuck to your forehead. The fact that you didn't notice and wandered around with it plastered to your face until your daddy saved you (I was having too much fun laughing) made my day.

Well kiddies, that's all the stories I have about you so far, but don't worry I will keep recording them so that I can bring them up at inappropriate times during your teenage years and young adult life!



1 comment:

Anonymous said...

good job baby. Those will be the stories they will have forever.