Sunday, January 8, 2012

Death becomes her

As I sit here waiting patiently for the phone call that will arrange an appointment for a biopsy on Ouch (annoying and painful breast tumour), I can't help but think that if it's cancer...all this waiting around can't be very productive. And being a person who can't help but imagine the worst, my brain has conjured up a lot of death related images to torture me during this time of patient waiting. To bide my time I went in search of blogs, and the women who have faced breast cancer at my age. I ran across one fantastic blog called "The Big C and Me" written by Renn. She wrote a post that commented on a online friend's statement to her, "Just because I have cancer doesn't mean I'm going to die, and just because you don't doesn't mean you're going to live".  This got me thinking about life and death and how its inextricably linked. We all have expiry dates. We are all going to die. And we all do a damn good job of forgetting this fact.

A lot of people tell you to live everyday as if it is your last. Man have I tried, and boy have I failed. It's exhausting! Who lives like that? I don't want to sit there watching America's Next Top Model and think, "Is this the best way to spend an hour of my life I may never get back", especially when the answer is obvious...  No one wants live like their dying every damn day - least of which are the people dying every damn day. It's a cute thought but it's not very practical. So I got to thinking about my life and asked the question I think we should all be asking. If my life ended abruptly tomorrow what is it about my life that would have been worth the whole trip, bad times, good times, abrupt end and all?

The answer for me was immediate. My kids of course. And it's not because my DNA will live through them (although that is a pretty nifty bonus). The answer is 'my kids' because of things I could never adequately explain unless you are a parent yourself. Imagine your whole life being lived in 2d, and then one day, inexplicably everything is 3d. There is a depth to my life now that there wasn't before, a true love, an unwavering constant, and the one thing we all look for, some sort of assurance, some sort of guarantee ... Here's mine, here's the one thing that will never change, that will always be the same. I won't ever stop loving them. Even if they leave me. Even if they hate me. Even if they become vile, pathetic, humans that are murdering psychopaths, and Even if they die. I will never stop loving them; for as long as I live (and perhaps beyond).

Death is inevitable, and it's scary, and everyone would like to avoid it, but it's just another event in a normal life. To find love though, a love that cannot be rendered obsolete, that's what makes it all worth it.

Renn's cited blog


Renn @ The Big C and Me said...

Carrie, thank you for stopping by my blog and for the lovely mention!

There is a ton of wonderful support out here in the blogosphere should you need it — but I hope that you never do. I hope you hear the words BENIGN after you have your biopsy!

The waiting is the hardest part. Try and keep yourself busy. (With 3 beautiful children, that shouldn't be hard!) I will check back in again to see how you are doing. In the meantime, here's to a quick and painless biopsy with minimal waiting and B9 results!


carrie said...

Thanks Renn! I Love your blog! I have read every post. Your writing is beautiful! It has given me so much hope, whether I have cancer or not!