Wednesday, June 23, 2010


Every sleep deprived mother of an infant child inevitably goes through the same phase. I like to refer to it as the "why the F*CK wont this child (who clearly was switched at the hospital with MY baby) sleep?" stage. This stage is beyond frustrating because if your little changling baby isn't sleeping than neither are you. Now you know somewhere in the back of your mind that this stage will pass; but every hour of wired wakefulness makes that inherent knowledge seem less like a patient waiting game, and more of a bullshit lie that was told to you by other non sleeping moms. Eventually though, this stage does pass and so does the knowledge that your beautiful little baby ever had any sleep issues at all. (I swear mommy amnesia is the only reason why people have more than one child).

After the non sleeping stage comes the walking stage and the inevitable cries from your child as they bash their head off of almost every, single, conceivable object in your house. With standing upright comes easier access to things that were once too awkward or too high to reach. This inevitably births the baby proofing stage. This stage is irritating as all hell as you find yourself unable to open your own damn cupboards, or use your own wall sockets, or even reach things you have put up high to prevent injuries. You're grumbling has only begun because soon your child can open the doors in your house and you need the door knob covers to keep them out of rooms that aren't baby proofed (or to keep them in their own rooms so they cant escape at bedtimes.) Unfortunately (as with the cupboard locks, wall socket plugs, and unreachable objects in your house) you find you also don't have an easy time opening the doors, and eventually end up locked in your son's room while he laughs hysterically on the other side of the door.

After walking comes talking and the stage where every question or statement is answered with a no. Even if they mean yes, it's still no. 'No' is powerful, and rebellious. 'No' asserts their independence in ways never before known. 'No' makes me want to wire my child's jaw shut..."It's time for bed Gabe" - "no". "That's enough snacks Gabe, it's almost dinner" - "Ah..NO". "Do you want to go outside?" - "NO...AH YESH". "Okay put your clothes on then" - "No". "Time out, Mister" - "NOOO".

Of course with every stage you have to take the good with the bad. The no sleeping stage IS irritating but also means more cuddles from your baby. The baby proofing stage can create intense frustration but also causes you to be safer than you've ever been. The walking stage spells more elaborate outings and less clothes to launder; and the talking stage means easier communication and less misunderstandings...

"Right Gabe"? - "NO".

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