Prayers for Puck

Ever had one of those dreams where things become so ridiculous that you become aware you're dreaming while you're asleep. I feel as though I've awoken in a nightmare. One I can't escape from. I can't seem to wake myself up no matter how hard I try.

My world began to crumble around me a few days ago. I noticed Puck was having real problems breathing. I googled how many breaths a minute an infant should have and it said the average is 35-45 breaths; I was counting Puck's breaths at 85-100. At first I assumed he had caught a cold from his siblings. So we phoned the nurses hotline and they told us to bring him to the hospital right away.

Scott took him and I stayed behind to take care of the other two kids. I was still convinced it was probably just a cold. After a few hours Scott called to say they had sent him for a chest X ray. When the results came back they had discovered his heart was a bit enlarged. They did an EKG and determined he had a heart murmur. It was then arranged to have him transfered to Childrens Hospital the next morning for an echocardiogram. I collapsed after taking that call from Scott. I found a quiet corner away from the kids and sobbed. Scott came and picked me up and dropped me off at the hospital. I spent the night with my little baby, praying he was going to be okay, while scared to death that he was sicker than even I could imagine.

That morning they transferred us by ambulance to the hospital. He was hooked up to monitors and his breaths per minute was ranging from 65-125. He was too unstable to move to cardiology so they brought the ultrasound machine to his room. As I sat there watching the monitor I could hear the doctors quietly talking to eachother. Words like "muscular defect" "holes" and "congenital heart defect" were used. I tried my hardest not to cry. I tried not to break down in front of the cardiologist and technicians. I wiped the tears from my eyes the second they appeared. "Don't cry, Don't cry" I kept saying to myself over and over and over. He needed me to be strong. I tried my best.

They had a meeting and came back to talk to me. They told me all the findings they had made. His heart was enlarged and he had spots on his lungs in the X ray they took. The ultrasound showed that the muscle that seperated the right side of the heart from the left has tiny little holes along it. The problem is they still don't know for sure what is causing the breathing problems. The spots on his lungs could be caused by the cold virus, which in turn is making his breathing laboured. Or his breathing problems could be caused by the right side of the heart pumping too much blood back into his lungs because the right side is a bit enlarged. All infants they explained have hearts that work harder on the right, but not to the extreme Puck's is working. Or it could be the holes that are causing all the problems. Unfortunately they just don't know what the answer is yet.

The cardiologist said that babies with congential heart defects don't grow, they will be a failure to thrive. Puck has gained weight since birth. But they don't know if it's true weight gain, or if its caused by the excess fluid accumulating around his lungs. So they have given him a diuretic to drain off the excess fluid. On Thursday the Pediatrian will weigh him and determine if his weight gain was caused by the excess fluid or not. If it is determined he hasn't gained weight since birth than it will indicate that his heart is the problem.

I feel as though my chest has been placed in a vice. Poor Puck is breathing too fast, and I feel as though I have stopped breathing altogether. I can't contemplate the worst case scenario. It's too horrible to bear. He has to be okay. His heart has to heal because if it doesn't...neither will mine.