Breast Healing.

The one and half cm incision carefully created by my surgeon is straight and now visible to me through the clear steristrips that were once hidden by a water proof bandage I removed yesterday (as per doctors orders). The wound doesn't look like much in the mirror, small and inconsequential, I have had very little pain. I am bruised a mean and ugly yellow and the stitches are small and slowly dissolving.

The site is itchy though and this is probably the most irritating physical aspect of this "breast lump" stuff. A part of me has brushed this entire experience off as a minor inconvenience; an unfortunate side effect of being a woman. Still another part of me is frustrated and a little freaked out by the whole thing. I'm not scared per say; the truth is I haven't felt much in the way of fear since facing my worst one last year (Preston, heart defect, possible death of a child, Ahhhhh) but this whole lump thing has definitely thrown me for a loop.

That being said the two journey's couldn't be more different. Last year there was this sense of impending doom, a suffocating, gag inducing, constant rock in the pit of my stomach kind of dread. I begged God (or whoever may be out there) to save my son at any cost. ANY COST. When it's your baby I can't stress enough how much you fervently mean this ( I would have insisted on anyone to take his place - the exception, of course, were my other children). In the end I made a less morally suspect deal. Me for him.

Of course God doesn't work this way (even if I did find a suspicious lump in my breast after Preston was "miraculously" no longer in need of heart surgery). I truly don't think God made any deal with me. I believe in fate. I am very much a fatalist and completely believe that the huge events in your life are preordained. But I digress...

This new health crud is an unfortunate pain in my ass but it doesn't suck nearly as bad as Preston's health stuff did. It's all about perspective I suppose, and thanks to my son, the scope of my perspective is now like a wide angle lens.

So that's where I'm at mentally over this whole fudging thing. I want answers even if the answers are bad because they couldn't possibly scare me any more than I already have been...



and there's some sort of comfort in this thought...however ridiculous that may seem...