I think the really good parts of life, the ones that make you smile, rarely happen in hugely, dramatic, sweeping occasions that you can look back on and say.."yes...that was a good day". Birthing my two babies are really the things that are easily brought up as the best days of my life, but it's been the little moments in between, the things that are almost nearly forgotten 10 minutes after they occur, that are the true sum of my life.
I remember the first smile Gabe gave me so clearly. He was propped in our old couch, on Dunnee St. It was a ratty old couch that I tried in vain to cover with all sorts of blankets (which I'm sure just made the thing look worse). I was trying to give him his soother but he kept spitting it out. On the third attempt of putting it back in his mouth, I saw that he truly had no interest in it, so I took it out quickly, and he smiled. I had been so tired from the night before but suddenly the world took on this whole new shine, my exhaustion melted away. All I wanted to do was make him smile again and again. And I have, almost everyday since. But its all those smiles in between, all those goofy grins, all the toothless, and tooth filled laughs that I no longer remember the precipitating events to - it's these times that are the ones that count. Those are the smiles I wake up for.
I remember when Edie said her first word. It was truly astonishing. I was videotaping her constant babbling (she was 5 months old at the time) and when I decided that the facebook world would probably be starting to bore of my high pitch baby talk, I asked her to say bye bye. She smiled and said "bye". I laughed out loud from sheer shock and Scott spun around to look at her, his jaw hanging open. I remember that like it was yesterday, but its all the words in between. All the mama's, and dada's, and mimicing of sounds that happen so often, I barely blink an eye at it anymore. It's all those words that count. Those are the ones I wake up for.
Now my children will begin to make memories together. Perhaps they are still too young to remember Gabe giving his sister raspberries until her laughter turned to hiccups. And maybe they are too young to recall hide and seek, which they play on a regular basis now. And perhaps they won't remember how mommy found Edie half way up the stairs, with Gabe at the very top encouraging her with gestures and kind words. But its these memories I will keep for them. Because these are the memories that count. These are the little moments that make a life...lived.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Independence
Every sleep deprived mother of an infant child inevitably goes through the same phase. I like to refer to it as the "why the F*CK wont this child (who clearly was switched at the hospital with MY baby) sleep?" stage. This stage is beyond frustrating because if your little changling baby isn't sleeping than neither are you. Now you know somewhere in the back of your mind that this stage will pass; but every hour of wired wakefulness makes that inherent knowledge seem less like a patient waiting game, and more of a bullshit lie that was told to you by other non sleeping moms. Eventually though, this stage does pass and so does the knowledge that your beautiful little baby ever had any sleep issues at all. (I swear mommy amnesia is the only reason why people have more than one child).
After the non sleeping stage comes the walking stage and the inevitable cries from your child as they bash their head off of almost every, single, conceivable object in your house. With standing upright comes easier access to things that were once too awkward or too high to reach. This inevitably births the baby proofing stage. This stage is irritating as all hell as you find yourself unable to open your own damn cupboards, or use your own wall sockets, or even reach things you have put up high to prevent injuries. You're grumbling has only begun because soon your child can open the doors in your house and you need the door knob covers to keep them out of rooms that aren't baby proofed (or to keep them in their own rooms so they cant escape at bedtimes.) Unfortunately (as with the cupboard locks, wall socket plugs, and unreachable objects in your house) you find you also don't have an easy time opening the doors, and eventually end up locked in your son's room while he laughs hysterically on the other side of the door.
After walking comes talking and the stage where every question or statement is answered with a no. Even if they mean yes, it's still no. 'No' is powerful, and rebellious. 'No' asserts their independence in ways never before known. 'No' makes me want to wire my child's jaw shut..."It's time for bed Gabe" - "no". "That's enough snacks Gabe, it's almost dinner" - "Ah..NO". "Do you want to go outside?" - "NO...AH YESH". "Okay put your clothes on then" - "No". "Time out, Mister" - "NOOO".
Of course with every stage you have to take the good with the bad. The no sleeping stage IS irritating but also means more cuddles from your baby. The baby proofing stage can create intense frustration but also causes you to be safer than you've ever been. The walking stage spells more elaborate outings and less clothes to launder; and the talking stage means easier communication and less misunderstandings...
"Right Gabe"? - "NO".
After the non sleeping stage comes the walking stage and the inevitable cries from your child as they bash their head off of almost every, single, conceivable object in your house. With standing upright comes easier access to things that were once too awkward or too high to reach. This inevitably births the baby proofing stage. This stage is irritating as all hell as you find yourself unable to open your own damn cupboards, or use your own wall sockets, or even reach things you have put up high to prevent injuries. You're grumbling has only begun because soon your child can open the doors in your house and you need the door knob covers to keep them out of rooms that aren't baby proofed (or to keep them in their own rooms so they cant escape at bedtimes.) Unfortunately (as with the cupboard locks, wall socket plugs, and unreachable objects in your house) you find you also don't have an easy time opening the doors, and eventually end up locked in your son's room while he laughs hysterically on the other side of the door.
After walking comes talking and the stage where every question or statement is answered with a no. Even if they mean yes, it's still no. 'No' is powerful, and rebellious. 'No' asserts their independence in ways never before known. 'No' makes me want to wire my child's jaw shut..."It's time for bed Gabe" - "no". "That's enough snacks Gabe, it's almost dinner" - "Ah..NO". "Do you want to go outside?" - "NO...AH YESH". "Okay put your clothes on then" - "No". "Time out, Mister" - "NOOO".
Of course with every stage you have to take the good with the bad. The no sleeping stage IS irritating but also means more cuddles from your baby. The baby proofing stage can create intense frustration but also causes you to be safer than you've ever been. The walking stage spells more elaborate outings and less clothes to launder; and the talking stage means easier communication and less misunderstandings...
"Right Gabe"? - "NO".
Friday, June 11, 2010
Mud Pies
I love having a boy and a girl because they are so vastly different while being so similar. I used to believe that girls were created inherently feminine and that boys were created to be rough and tumble, and perpetually dirty, but I was wrong. A lot of things we teach our children I think shapes them in ways unforeseen. For example we never bought our first born "girl" toys. We always bought him things like cars, and action figures, or genderless toys like Elmo or Iggle Piggle. It's only after having a girl (and letting her have Gabe's hand me downs- everything from toys to clothes) do I realize gender can and is shaped to a certain extent.
Gabriel, despite being a rough and tumble, little guy, also has a feminine side I refuse to squash or discourage. He is so affectionate to every living creature..except bugs - he hates bugs, and refuses to get near them- and is eager to hug, kiss, pet, play, feed, any dog or cat that strays into his path. He doesn't like to be dirty and thoroughly enjoys bath times. He plays more with his "dolls" (Woody and Buzz) than he does with his cars. He cuddles his blanket at night and can't sleep without it, and instead of sleeping with his blue glow worm, he has decided he likes the pink one best. When he's upset he cries "I want my mama" and can only be consoled by me or distracted by his sister (whose laughter can break any person into a grin). He is his sisters best friend and although there are times he gets annoyed with her constant attention; usually, he hugs, kisses and makes her laugh harder than anyone I have ever seen. My boy is a good balance of masculine and feminine and I hope he remains this way forever.
Eden, despite being a little princess, also has a masculine side I refuse to squash or discourage. Unlike her brother, she has a pretty intense fear of many animals, but loves bugs. She'll touch any sort of insect, just as long as its moving slow enough for her little hands to pick it up. While Gabe is screaming a high pitch wail, and shouting "don't", Edie is in the process of picking up a worm or eating a wood bug who had the unfortunate luck of squirming past her foot. She loves to be dirty and hates having her face washed. She screams bloody murder during bath times, and fights tooth and nail to avoid brushing her teeth or getting her diaper changed. Her best friend is her big brother and she loves to copy everything he does - from trying to climb the stairs to attempting to make "Woody" (gabe's toy story action figure) fight with Buzz. She think its hilarious for her brother to dive onto the ground in front of her, or to shake toys in her face, even if he accidentally ends up whacking her with it. She finds people most amusing when they are grimacing in pain, or falling down around her, and I'm pretty sure she will end up being a UFC fan..or fighter.
I know it's inevitable that their peers will shape their likes and dislikes at some stage in their life, I just hope they always manage to find their way back to the core of who they are...whether that be dolls or mud pies.
Gabriel, despite being a rough and tumble, little guy, also has a feminine side I refuse to squash or discourage. He is so affectionate to every living creature..except bugs - he hates bugs, and refuses to get near them- and is eager to hug, kiss, pet, play, feed, any dog or cat that strays into his path. He doesn't like to be dirty and thoroughly enjoys bath times. He plays more with his "dolls" (Woody and Buzz) than he does with his cars. He cuddles his blanket at night and can't sleep without it, and instead of sleeping with his blue glow worm, he has decided he likes the pink one best. When he's upset he cries "I want my mama" and can only be consoled by me or distracted by his sister (whose laughter can break any person into a grin). He is his sisters best friend and although there are times he gets annoyed with her constant attention; usually, he hugs, kisses and makes her laugh harder than anyone I have ever seen. My boy is a good balance of masculine and feminine and I hope he remains this way forever.
Eden, despite being a little princess, also has a masculine side I refuse to squash or discourage. Unlike her brother, she has a pretty intense fear of many animals, but loves bugs. She'll touch any sort of insect, just as long as its moving slow enough for her little hands to pick it up. While Gabe is screaming a high pitch wail, and shouting "don't", Edie is in the process of picking up a worm or eating a wood bug who had the unfortunate luck of squirming past her foot. She loves to be dirty and hates having her face washed. She screams bloody murder during bath times, and fights tooth and nail to avoid brushing her teeth or getting her diaper changed. Her best friend is her big brother and she loves to copy everything he does - from trying to climb the stairs to attempting to make "Woody" (gabe's toy story action figure) fight with Buzz. She think its hilarious for her brother to dive onto the ground in front of her, or to shake toys in her face, even if he accidentally ends up whacking her with it. She finds people most amusing when they are grimacing in pain, or falling down around her, and I'm pretty sure she will end up being a UFC fan..or fighter.
I know it's inevitable that their peers will shape their likes and dislikes at some stage in their life, I just hope they always manage to find their way back to the core of who they are...whether that be dolls or mud pies.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Dear Eden
Dear Edie the Sweetie,
Tomorrow you will be 11 months old and I'm astounded at how quickly your first year has passed. You have begun to toddle around all of our furniture, you talk (babble) non stop and have mastered the words "Mommy" and "Daddy". Everyone who meets you quickly falls in love with your bubbly, sweet natured, personality, and no one can resist the urge to hug and squeeze your perfectly, chubby, baby frame. The comments I hear so often about you are "she's such a good baby", or "can you believe she didn't cry at all". Something that I thought I would never hear all through your colicky months.
As sweet as you are, you are equally as mischievous. I'm always surprised by the lengths you'll go to in order to get into something you know you aren't allowed. And when you are caught red handed, instead of looking confused and innocent, you laugh and act as though trouble is your middle name.
You are also quite the dramatic, little actress. Your poor brother has taken the fall for your acts quite a few times before your father and I caught on to your devious game. I never thought I would have to play seasoned detective quite so early, but you are a constant surprise. It was about a month ago that your father and I discovered that you feigned injury in order to get your big brother into trouble. I'm sure many people will argue me on the validity of a 11 month old doing such premeditated acts... But it's hard to call it anything else when in the midst of playing happily beside your brother, he brushes against you and you scream in horror while hurling yourself to the floor. While on the floor you cry out "mommy" for good measure while pumping your little fists in the air, glaring at your brother, and looking tearfully at the ceiling as though asking god "WWWHHHHHYYYYY", or as your grandma likes to call it...your "STTTEEELLLLLAAAA" face. This morning after watching your little act your father (while laughing) requested that you stop "hamming it up" and you stopped the crocodile tears immediately, which of course, made us laugh even harder.
If I had to label you two I would call your brother the heart of the family, and you are it's personality. You can change any ones mood from grumpy to giddy in a little under 2 minutes. And this includes a brother throwing his famous "death throw" tantrum. You are just so effervescent people can't help but smile back at you when you're giving your most dazzling grin.
I Love you Teeny Tiny, you make me smile every day, no matter my mood.
Sincerely, Mommy.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Speech Assessment
Dear Gabriel,
Hopefully within the next few weeks we will have an appointment for you to see a speech pathologist. You have approximately 50 words in your vocabulary and most of them are no where near being clear. You aren't putting words together in sentences and when you do I'm not sure if I have even heard you correctly. As your mom I am completely biased to your development and I always have been. In my eyes you are perfect. It's only when it's pointed out to me do I begin to worry that perhaps your prematurity has affected you in more ways than your birth weight.
I guess I took the doctors literally when they said that you would be caught up by the age of two and since we, as a family, don't know kids your own age I have nothing to compare your progress to. We worked so hard in your first year of life to get your physical development on track that I never had time to think about your cognitive development. It's only when family members began to question your lack of speech did I even know to question it myself. I feel as though I have let you down, little one. That I should have noticed your speech problems earlier. You were always such a quiet baby that when you weren't babbling by the time you turned one I just brushed it aside as personality. I was such a new mommy I didn't really know what was normal and what wasn't. It didn't really hit me how far you were behind until I compared you to your sister. I realize now my mistake, and it pains me to know that my mistake has hurt you in some regard.
I know, rationally, that I shouldn't be so hard on myself, but I'm your mother. It's my job to protect and nurture you. I think my guilt probably extends, even beyond, not recognizing your speech difficulties, to feeling as though somehow I have passed this problem onto you through genetics.
I was speech delayed as a child and was in the child development center for two years to remedy this problem. I remember bits and pieces from that time and I remember how lonely I felt there...how broken. I didn't understand why I couldn't go to kindergarten and my brother could. I didn't understand why my classroom had children in wheelchairs who could barely lift their heads let alone carry on any sort of game or conversation with me, and I remember thinking I just didn't belong there.
I don't want you to feel like that. All I have ever wanted for you was good things. And I know a speech delay isn't the worst thing in the world, but its still hard for me to see that as far as you have come since birth, you still have so much farther to go. And I guess what I want for you, most of all, is for certain people in our family to see how wonderfully brilliant, and beautiful you are. I want for them to comment on everything you can do, for once, and not on the things you cant. It seems since birth all we have heard is "he's not doing that yet?" And I'm just so sick of listening to this endlessly repetitive question. Maybe you aren't "doing that yet" but there's a hell of a lot you can do, if only they would open their eyes to see you.
Their ignorance reminds me of your lullaby. The very first time I held you (and your father will vouch for me) I sang to you "Baby mine". It is our special song, and in it the words read...
If they knew sweet little you
They'd end up loving you too
All those same people who scold you
What they'd give just for
The right to hold you
From your head to your toes
You're not much, goodness knows
But you're so precious to me
Sweet as can be, baby of mine
Those words hold special meaning for me for obvious reasons. From the second you were born you have shown me how strong and brave you are. I am so damned proud of you, and I feel so blessed to be one of the only people on the face of this earth, who truly has the right...to hold you.
Hopefully within the next few weeks we will have an appointment for you to see a speech pathologist. You have approximately 50 words in your vocabulary and most of them are no where near being clear. You aren't putting words together in sentences and when you do I'm not sure if I have even heard you correctly. As your mom I am completely biased to your development and I always have been. In my eyes you are perfect. It's only when it's pointed out to me do I begin to worry that perhaps your prematurity has affected you in more ways than your birth weight.
I guess I took the doctors literally when they said that you would be caught up by the age of two and since we, as a family, don't know kids your own age I have nothing to compare your progress to. We worked so hard in your first year of life to get your physical development on track that I never had time to think about your cognitive development. It's only when family members began to question your lack of speech did I even know to question it myself. I feel as though I have let you down, little one. That I should have noticed your speech problems earlier. You were always such a quiet baby that when you weren't babbling by the time you turned one I just brushed it aside as personality. I was such a new mommy I didn't really know what was normal and what wasn't. It didn't really hit me how far you were behind until I compared you to your sister. I realize now my mistake, and it pains me to know that my mistake has hurt you in some regard.
I know, rationally, that I shouldn't be so hard on myself, but I'm your mother. It's my job to protect and nurture you. I think my guilt probably extends, even beyond, not recognizing your speech difficulties, to feeling as though somehow I have passed this problem onto you through genetics.
I was speech delayed as a child and was in the child development center for two years to remedy this problem. I remember bits and pieces from that time and I remember how lonely I felt there...how broken. I didn't understand why I couldn't go to kindergarten and my brother could. I didn't understand why my classroom had children in wheelchairs who could barely lift their heads let alone carry on any sort of game or conversation with me, and I remember thinking I just didn't belong there.
I don't want you to feel like that. All I have ever wanted for you was good things. And I know a speech delay isn't the worst thing in the world, but its still hard for me to see that as far as you have come since birth, you still have so much farther to go. And I guess what I want for you, most of all, is for certain people in our family to see how wonderfully brilliant, and beautiful you are. I want for them to comment on everything you can do, for once, and not on the things you cant. It seems since birth all we have heard is "he's not doing that yet?" And I'm just so sick of listening to this endlessly repetitive question. Maybe you aren't "doing that yet" but there's a hell of a lot you can do, if only they would open their eyes to see you.
Their ignorance reminds me of your lullaby. The very first time I held you (and your father will vouch for me) I sang to you "Baby mine". It is our special song, and in it the words read...
If they knew sweet little you
They'd end up loving you too
All those same people who scold you
What they'd give just for
The right to hold you
From your head to your toes
You're not much, goodness knows
But you're so precious to me
Sweet as can be, baby of mine
Those words hold special meaning for me for obvious reasons. From the second you were born you have shown me how strong and brave you are. I am so damned proud of you, and I feel so blessed to be one of the only people on the face of this earth, who truly has the right...to hold you.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Dancing Queen
Scott's at work today (he left at 4 am) so I was the one to get up with the kids. As per usual Edie was up at 630am and Gabriel was up at 730am. I dont mind this time difference because it gives me time to get Edie's diaper changed, get her dressed, and fed before "the Tornado" comes down for breakfast. When Gabe does get up it's the same routine as his sister. Diaper, clothes, food. Recently, during Gabe's diaper change, Edie has been showing her affection for him by bending over and kissing his mouth. The two cuddle, kiss, and hug one another for the next few minutes. I think this show of affection is just so damned cute! I wish my camera weren't dead so I could get video of it. Soon!
Today the kids and I also rocked out to some classic songs(their favourite being ACDC). Gabe sat in the middle of the floor spinning on his butt (pretending to break dance?) while Edie and I rocked it out next to him. Dancing with my kids is one of the most enjoyable exercises I do in a day. And man do they love it. Especially Gabe who has become quite the little dancer. Edie is still a little unsure of all the bouncing and swinging on my hips but she doesn't complain.
Life is sweet when you can dance your troubles away, or at least to the back of your mind for a few minutes.
Today the kids and I also rocked out to some classic songs(their favourite being ACDC). Gabe sat in the middle of the floor spinning on his butt (pretending to break dance?) while Edie and I rocked it out next to him. Dancing with my kids is one of the most enjoyable exercises I do in a day. And man do they love it. Especially Gabe who has become quite the little dancer. Edie is still a little unsure of all the bouncing and swinging on my hips but she doesn't complain.
Life is sweet when you can dance your troubles away, or at least to the back of your mind for a few minutes.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Wedding
Wedding planning always seemed like so much fun. I love to watch "Wedding SOS", "Say Yes to the Dress" and "Rich Bride, Poor Bride", but no one ever really tells you how much work a wedding is, or how much it costs...even when done as cheaply as possible. To give you an idea of cost - Scott and I have a photographer for free, a DJ for free, and all of our invitations were done by my mom...for FREE. Bonus right? This means my wedding should be under budget, easily under 10,000 dollars! So far I'm under, but not easily!
Wedding dress = $1200.00 with veil.
New wedding dress after getting knocked up = $558.00
Shoes = $35.00
Gabe and Edie's outfits = $100.00
Venue = $1100.00
Food = approx. $4000.00
Minister = $150.00
Wedding certificate = $100.00
Cake = $420.00
Hair for three people = approx. $300.00
Maid of Honor and Groomsmen Hotel room = $218.00
Baby Prison = $120.00
Interlocking floor mats = $50.00
Bubbles = $15.00
Hand fans and ice cold water = approx $250.00
alterations for dress = approx. 150.00
Ties for wedding party = $100.00
Bouquets for 3 = $200.00
Door prize = $100.00
String lights = $80.00
Center Pieces = $160.00
Kiddie Pool = $20.00
Poker Set = $50.00
Cake Topper and Cake knife set = $150.00
AIrporter to get drunks safely home = $280.00
Grand Total so far = $9906.00
All the little things really add up. I have decided I am never getting married again. If Scott and I divorce I will remain a Middleton for the rest of my life. Weddings are expensive and stressful. I just want things done and over with! I love you Scott, but if I could go back and marry you in Vegas, I would in a second!
Wedding dress = $1200.00 with veil.
New wedding dress after getting knocked up = $558.00
Shoes = $35.00
Gabe and Edie's outfits = $100.00
Venue = $1100.00
Food = approx. $4000.00
Minister = $150.00
Wedding certificate = $100.00
Cake = $420.00
Hair for three people = approx. $300.00
Maid of Honor and Groomsmen Hotel room = $218.00
Baby Prison = $120.00
Interlocking floor mats = $50.00
Bubbles = $15.00
Hand fans and ice cold water = approx $250.00
alterations for dress = approx. 150.00
Ties for wedding party = $100.00
Bouquets for 3 = $200.00
Door prize = $100.00
String lights = $80.00
Center Pieces = $160.00
Kiddie Pool = $20.00
Poker Set = $50.00
Cake Topper and Cake knife set = $150.00
AIrporter to get drunks safely home = $280.00
Grand Total so far = $9906.00
All the little things really add up. I have decided I am never getting married again. If Scott and I divorce I will remain a Middleton for the rest of my life. Weddings are expensive and stressful. I just want things done and over with! I love you Scott, but if I could go back and marry you in Vegas, I would in a second!
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